Cosmos in...
Top 10 Funniest Scenes From Season 1
By Rebel40000 (Cygnus Wing)

Starring...

Announcer: Filmed in front of a live studio audience, it's... TOP 10!!

Crowd: *screams*

Announcer: With your host, Martyr!

Martyr: ...

Crowd: *screams*

Announcer: And tonight's special guest, Cygnus!

Cygnus: *spreads wings* Yes, yes, I am here! Be amazed by my elegance!

Crowd: ...

Cygnus: ...Forget you all, then.

Martyr: ...

Cygnus: So for tonight we are going to be revealing what we believe is the funniest scenes from season 1! The top 10 funniest, no less! Of course, we will be certain to wow and amaze you, dear viewers! So, let us--

Martyr: ...10.

Announcer: N-N-N-N-NUMBER TEEEEEN!!

*From Epilogue #05, "Monster Quest"*

Avi-W: You can't boss me around, graham crackers! I am far better than this, you see.

Martyr: ...

Avi-W: I'll now start calling you various names to insult you! Crayola crayon!

Martyr: ...

Avi-W: Flat tire!

Martyr: ...

Avi-W: Keyboard!

Martyr: ...Jerk.

Avi-W: THAT'S IT!! *raises shovel*

*End #10*

Cygnus: YOU HEATHEN!!

Martyr: ...

Cygnus: How could you cut me off like that and start everything off so sloppily!? Now this magnicifent performance won't be nearly as magnifi--

Martyr: ...9.

Announcer: N-N-N-N-NUMBER NIIIIIIIIIINE!!

*From Epilogue #07, "The Twin Turnabout"*

Berenice: (brushing her hair) Oh, Cleo Junior… have I truly done the right thing?

Her Hair: …

Berenice: I do not like that Silver kid one bit… just look at how he used Copper to his own ends! And yet, I couldn’t let him die…

Her Hair: …

Berenice: But now I fear for the worst. Do you think they may only use him as a hostage? Or… do you think they will actually add him to their ranks?

Her Hair: …

Berenice: (sighing) …Maybe I should just get some rest. I mean, look at me. Talking to my own hair! I’m almost as bad as Gemini Spark now…

Her Hair: Aw, don’t be so hard on yourself, mommy! I’m sure everything’ll be alright. You did a good job out there!

Berenice: Aaaaaand I just heard my hair speak. I really need some rest now.

*End #9*

Cygnus: Now see here--

Martyr: ...8.

Announcer: N-N-N-N-NUMBER EEEEIIIIIIGHHHT!!

*From Epilogue #03, "Police Station Madness"*

Copper: *at his desk with head in hands* Grumble, grumble...

Fuck Up #1: *wearing casts* Durr, I'm a snow monkey now! Ook, ook!

Fuck Up #3: Hey boss, you okay?

Copper: No! I finally got that annoying ringing out my ears and the smell of my own burnt flesh after being electrocuted twice. Plus I saw my life flashing before my eyes as that crazed skeleton attempted to drown me WHILE flashing me. Just what kind of a stupid question is that!?

Fuck Up #3: ...You okay boss?

Copper: *slams head on desks* NO.

*End #8*

Cygnus: Are you satisfied with completely ruining this show with your barbaric ways!?

Martyr: ...

Cygnus: ...

Martyr: ...

Cygnus: Got nothing left to say then, eh!? Fine. Let us continue--

Martyr: ...7.

Announcer: N-N-N-N-NUMBER SEVEEEEEEN!!

*From Epilogue #01, "Fun Times With Dr. Cruise"*

Dr. Cruise: Okay, now for part two. *takes the plastic pieces out* I'm gonna take a little, teensy weensy peek into your mouths and see what bad stuff I can find so I can make you feel like dirt!

Martyr: ...You did that.

Dr. Cruise: Did I?

Martyr: ...Yes.

Dr. Cruise: OH RIGHT!! THE WIGGIDY WACKNESS!! *smacks self* Duh! Okay, okay, time for a talk then. *pulls up a chair*

Martyr: ...

Dr. Cruise: Once upon a time there existed plywood that was anti continental to the fabrication of the pearly whites. So that's when I, being the curious young adventuror that I am went on the epicly epic epicness of the quests to discover that the toy pieces that were mashed together had to be trimmed down with the power of the nail filer! With that I hit mach two and blasted off into the depths of the Earth where the little people who keep talking in my head tell me to do bad things with the pants of the dogs that go moo in the French cuisine dishes!

Martyr: ...

Dr. Cruise: Do you understand my plight?

Avi-B: Actually... that did make a little sense... yeah...

*End #7*

Martyr: ...6.

Cygnus: I DIDN'T EVEN SAY ANYTHING--

Announcer: N-N-N-N-NUMBER SIIIIIIIIIIX!!

*From Epilogue #02, "Photorealism"*

Officer #3: Oh man, oh man! It’s an injured man! What do we do?!

Officer #1: Durrr… I think we’re cops, so maybe we’re supposed to arrest him!

Officer #3: Hey, you just might be onto something, my friend! I mean, look at how much he’s bleeding! Can we say “gang violence?”

Officers #1 and #3: GANG VIOLENCE!

Marco: Ugh… I am puzzled, as if to say, “WHAT?!” As I was filled with hope at the sight of officials of the law coming to my aid, that hope was just as quickly shattered as I found out they are no more than complete idiots dressed up as cops! I must exclaim… SWEET MEATBALLS! I asked for medical assistance, not this!!

Officer #1: (handcuffing Marco’s ankles) Dehhh… you have the right to remain violent! Uh… silent! Derr, yeah! That!

Officer #3: Another evildoer down! The Satella Police have saved the day once again! YAY!

*End #6*

Cygnus: Okay, listen. We can work out an agreement here, can't we?

Martyr: ...

Cygnus: You host the first half of the show your way, and I will end the second half of the show mine. Do we have a deal?

Martyr: ...

Cygnus: I will take your silence as a "yes". Now, ladies and gentlemen, let us continue on with number--

Martyr: ...5.

Announcer: N-N-N-N-NUMBER FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!!

*From Epilogue #09, "Cancer and the Argonauts --Part 2--"*

Argo Navis: (charging, knee-deep in the otherwise “endlessly” deep ocean) DEATH TO THE SINNER! *shoots bursts of lighting into the air*

Officer #2: *faints at the sight of the giant alien*

Officers #1 and #3: IT’S THE BOGEYMAN!!! *they huddle close together*

Copper: (drawing his battle cards) I-I’ll just use my Barrier card, and everything will be okay..!

Joel: You know, in the old legend of Jason and his quest for the Golden Fleece, when he was being chased, he held back his pursuer by having his girlfriend cut apart her brother and throw his dismembered body parts into the sea as a diversionary tactic…

Elec: (wincing) So… are you saying we should actually do something like that?!

Joel: Hell NO! That is just… disturbing, man! That’s only what this whole situation reminded me of, that’s all.

*End #5*

Cygnus: *grabbing Martyr* YOU FOOL!! YOU COMPLETELY RUINED ANY CHANCE THIS SHOW COULD POSSIBLY HAVE OF BEING ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL!!

Martyr: ...

Cygnus: ...Um...

Martyr: ...

Cygnus: *lets go of Martyr* Uh...

Martyr: ...4.

Announcer: N-N-N-N-NUMBER FOOOOUUUUUUUUR!!

*From Epilogue #02, "Photorealism"*

Smarter Than the Average Bear: Durrrr… my name is Smarter Than! I am just an average bear. Only SMARTER!

The Smiling Ghost: EEEeee… wh-what are you doing… #1…?! H-help…

Smarter Than the Average Bear: OH! Okay… dehhh… I GOT IT! My super power… is that I am really smart! 5-N-@-L-2-!-#-Q… spells SMART! Prepare to be outsmarted, Blue Shift team!

Cancer Bubble: Ha. Bring it on, buku.

Smarter Than the Average Bear: Dur, okay. This is a question for the big red bull! Okay, errrr… here goes! What is 2 + 2?

Taurus: AHHH! NOooO! DOn’T mAaAkE mE HaVvE tOo coUNt!!! NOOOOOooooooooo!!! STOoP!!!

Joel: Taurus, BE QUIET. 2 + 2 = 4.

Smarter Than the Average Bear: Huh? It is? Derr, WOW! I learned something today!

The Smiling Ghost: …

3 Man: …

Blue Shift: …

Smarter Than the Average Bear: …But your answer is wrong! Dehh… I asked “what is 2 + 2.” And 2 + 2 is none other than… A MATH PROBLEM! So HA-HA! You’ve been outsmarted! *pulls out the Photoshop mouse, and uses the blur tool on Joel!*

*End #4*

Cygnus: So um, Gram, I hope you weren't mad by what I just did back there...

Martyr: ...3.

Announcer: N-N-N-N-NUMBER THREEEEEEEEEE!!

*From Epilogue #06, "Paradise City"*

Crown: (Right, so now that we're just sorta rolling along the street here, do you remember which way home was?)

Crown Thunder: Noooooooope.

Crown: (Let's ask for help, then. Get that guy in the shabby coat over there!)

Crown Thunder: *rolls over and bumps the guy in the leg* EXCUSE ME!!

Copper: Hm? *looks down* WHAT IN THE--

Crown Thunder:Take me down to the paradise city,
Where the grass is green
And the girls are pretty!
Take! Me! Home! Yeah, yeah!

Take me down to the paradise city,
Where the grass is green
And the girls are pretty!
Oh, won't you please take me home? Yeah!

Copper: ALIENS!! *pulls out battle cards* YOUR TIME HAS COME!!

Crown: (Oh God, RUN!!)

Crown Thunder: BUT ALL I WANT TO DO IS GO HOME!!

Copper: Oh, no, you won't be using any of your fancy mind tricks on me!

Crown Thunder: Mind tricks?

Copper: Yes. I'm not like those morons!

Crown Thunder: Well, what if I do use said mind tricks?

Copper: No, don't!

Crown Thunder: Oogie-woogie-KABLOOIE!!

Copper: HELP!! *runs away* THE ALIENS ARE ASSAULTING MY MIND!!

*End #3*

Cygnus: Are you purposely ignoring me?

Martyr: You're going to die.

Cygnus: What?

Martyr: ...2.

Announcer: N-N-N-N-NUMBER TWOOOOOO!!

*From Epilogue #12, "Happy Xmas (War Has Begun) --Part 1 of the Season Finale--"*

Avi-W: So we’re alone now. Hmm, hmm, hmm!! Soooooo… has anybody here seen “Toy Story?”

Silver: And what might you be getting at this time?

Avi-W: You know how the toys come to life when they’re left alone? Well… I say we abandon the rocking horses, bean bag snakes, mittens and what have you, and create our own toys.

Gemini: Boooo. That won’t get us anywhere… *is slapped by Avi-W*

Avi-W: Let me finish, screwdriver! Just… with all the resources here, imagine all the toys we could make – Libra Scales action dolls with small parts that children can choke on! King Ophiuca figures with lead-poisoned paint! A talking Martyr doll who only says “…”, forcing parents who believe it’s broken to break away from their busy schedules in order to go through the hassle of returning it for a working one! And when they find out that that one is broken too… MWEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!!

Vok: I’d say you are cracked, but let’s not be like poor old Captain Obvious… that miserable fool. Besides, what does any of this have to do with Toy Story?

Avi-W: I’m glad you asked! Once we complete our killer toys… we’ll tell them, “IF YOU DON’T GET OUT OF HERE AND GO ON A KILLING RAMPAGE, WE’LL THROW YOU IN THE INCINERATOR! AND DON’T PRETEND YOU’RE INANIMATE, WE KNOW YOU’RE SENTIENT. WE KNOW AAAAAALL YOUR SECRETS… OOoooooOOOooooOOoooo!” Then, we leave the room for about an hour. They should be scrambling out the door by then… heh heh heh…

Ophiuca: You make less and less sense every day.

*End #2*

Cygnus: ...

Martyr: *holding a knife* ...

Cygnus: ...

Martyr: ...

Cygnus: ...

Martyr: ...

Cygnus: ...

Martyr: ...

Cygnus: ...

Martyr: ...

Cygnus: *makes a run for it*

Martyr: *throws the knife*

Cygnus: *gets skewered through the skull, instantly killed*

Martyr: ...

Announcer: N-N-N-N-NUMBER OOOOOONNNNE!!

*From Epilogue #12, "Happy Xmas (War Has Begun) --Part 1 of the Season Finale--"*

Avi-W: …your orders are clear, dumplings! Now GO AND KILL!

(At her orders, the toys march out the factory doors)

Elfy McElfElf: I’m sure the kids will love ‘em! *goes back into the other room*

Avi-W: Oh, they will. Mwehehehehehehe… keep the toy production going, kiddies, I still have a whole bag of this Pixar Dust left!

Vok: *hammering away at a toy that looks to be a mini-torture device*

Silver: *carefully adjusting something that looks like it could be used as a deadly weapon*

Martyr: *still knitting mittens*

Avi-W: Oh, still with the mittens, I see! *slaps Martyr* You’re so useless! The others are making pint-sized killing machines, while you’re making mittens. WHAT DO YOU EXPECT MITTENS TO ACCOMPLISH?!

Martyr: …They keep your hands warm. Are you that fucking dense? *goes back to knitting mittens*

*End #1*

Cygnus: *wakes up* GAAAAAAAAAH!!

*For about a minute Cygnus sits in his bed, before coming to terms with what just happened.*

Cygnus: It was... just a dream... just... a dream. Hah...

*With that thought in his mind he lays back down.*

Cygnus: Hmph... like that fool Gram would ever dare even think about killing ME! *turns over*

Martyr: *standing next to his bed with a knife* ...

Cygnus: ...

Martyr: ...

Cygnus: ... *turns over the other way* Just... a dream...

Martyr: ...

- The End -