Blue Shift in...
Cancer and the Argonauts
By Avi (Gemini Spark)

Starring...

On the last episode… stuff happened!

We once again find ourselves out at sea. This time, however, on a Satella Police patrol boat…

Copper: Grumble grumble grumble… stupid chief sending me on this stupid assignment… mumble mumble… and that hair lady, I don’t trust her one bit! She’s practically crawling with Z-waves… mumble grumble…

Officer #1: (driving the boat) Durr, YAY! I’m a spaceship captain! VROOOOOOOOOOOM!

Copper: What the… #1?! WHAT ARE WE DOING OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SEA!? We were supposed to be patrolling the rivers that were once the city streets! And… and… I thought #2 was driving!

Officer #2: (hurling off the side of the boat)

Officer #3: He got seasick, so #1 took over. Now we’re flying this thing to the moon!

Officer #1: I heard it’s a tropical paradise! I can’t wait to meet the Mooninites! Durrr…

Copper: …

Officer #3: Christopher Columbus was a liar and a crook! “The earth is round…” HA! It is indeed flat, and we shall prove it by driving this boat off the edge of the earth and landing on the moon! See, it should be below us since it’s daytime.

Officer #1: Derr… it’s risky though, because I could miss the moon and fall into the river Styx where we would be stuck forever… it’s okay, though! Because I almost avoided failing driver’s ed class!

Copper: ARGH! *shoves #1 aside and takes control* I’m turning back… urgh… damn it. You idiots got us lost! Where’s a compass when you need one?

???: Right here, matey.

Copper: Why thank you, son. I’ll just take that, then… *stares wide-eyed at the talking compass that hovered in front of him* … A-ALIENS!

Officer #1: Aliens… Durr, that must mean we’re getting closer to the moon!

Officers #3 and #1: YAY!

Copper: (drawing his battle cards) …FM-ians… more of them… we’re going in for the capture, men!

(The compass-shaped alien, joined by three other aliens, each resembling a part of a ship, encircle Copper and his men)

Compass FM-ian: Ahoy, ye landlubbing scalawags! We be the Argo Pirates! We have sailed to earth from the stars searchin’ out the elusive treasures known as “host bodies!”

Sails FM-ian: Host bodies! *eyes the Satella Police*

Copper: Us? Don’t even think about it! *pulls out a battle card most menacingly* I have a WHISTLE card, and am not afraid to use it!

Officer #2: *stops hurling and raises his vacuum… before collapsing to the floor of the boat*

Officer #1: Durr, that looks like fun! *joins #2 face-first on the floor*

Keel FM-ian: …I don’t know about these guys, mates…

Officer #3: W-W-WAIT! WE CAN BE GOOD HOST BODIES! I’d make a GREAT poop deck!

Poop Deck FM-ian: BAH! Ya gotta be kiddin’! Let’s look elsewhere! *chugs down a whole bottle of rum*

Sails FM-ian: Let’s look elsewhere!

Officer #3: Please fuse with me! I wanna be a poop deck! PLEEEEEEEEEEASE?!?!?!

Copper: Gah, NO! Now, aliens, surrender yourselves, or else I will use my Whistle card on you! It’s… um, really loud! And annoying! And it will probably cause you to pop a blood vessel or two!

Compass FM-ian: Arrr, me apologies, landlubber, but you’re not what we had in mind fer hosts. Aye, but we shall not leave you without a partin’ gift, matey… after all, we be pirates! Tis’ time to do what pirates do best… yar har ho!

Poop Deck FM-ian: Heh heh heh… *smashes his empty bottle on the side of the boat, and raises the broken half*

Officers: !!

Copper: Oh no you won’t! Just try and plunder our boat… and face the WHISTLE!!!

Compass FM-ian: Plunder yer boat, lad? YAR HAR HAR! I be a Pastafarian, matey! If ye read The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, ye would know we pirates be jolly explorer folk who give candy to children!

(The Compass alien hands out candy to the three officers)

Officers: YAY!

Copper: …

Compass FM-ian: Yar har har, me lad, don’t think I’d leave you out like that! *hands Copper a copy of The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster* Read it and seek enlightenment from The Noodly One!

Copper: (inspecting the Compass alien thoroughly) …What are you trying to pull, alien scum?

Compass FM-ian: Nothin’, me hearty!

The other FM-ians: *plundering the boat of anything that looks remotely valuable while Copper is busy staring down their captain, and while the officers are distracted with candy*

Compass FM-ian: Nope, nothin’ but spreadin’ the word of His Noodliness!

Keel FM-ian: (carrying a sack of loot) Shall we be off now, Captain?

Compass FM-ian: Aye, lad. Off we go!

Sails FM-ian: Aye, lad. Off we go!

(The pirates bid their farewells to the Satella, and float off, on their way)

Copper: …Grumblegrumblegrumble… *tosses the book away* These new FM-ians seem particularly suspicious. Follow those Z-waves, men! We’re not going to stop until we capture those aliens!

Back on the island with the cannibals…

Joel: (chewing) Om nom nom… *spits out a piece of red shell* Man… he was freakin’ delicious! I had no idea!

Taurus: (Mooo, I didn’t think you’d actually eat him!)

Joel: Heh… that sure lived up to the hype. But… now that I finally ate him, after all this time putting up with his annoying antics… while staring him down, contemplating breaking open his shell and eating his succulent meat… I… hate to admit it, but I’m going to miss the little guy.

Taurus: (Meh, he got what was coming to him.)

Joel: Amen to that. Anyway. Now that I finally had that annoying red metool as my appetizer, it’s time for the main course… that annoying red crab!

(Cut to an open fire, surrounding a pole, where Cancer Bubble is tied up, slowly being roasted alive… the Chiron brothers were pinned down by one giant metool, overlooking this scene)

Giant Metools: *dancing around the fire, chanting a tribal rhythm*

Cancer Bubble: (tied up, straining to look down at his nonexistent watch) So… what’s taking my deus ex machina device, buku?

Joel: Hrm, it has been pretty long. I had to force myself to eat a stinking METOOL of all things as an appetizer just to bide time, and you still haven’t been saved – not that I want you to be saved, but… you know what, screw this. I’m going to eat you while I still have the chance! *tears Cancer Bubble from the pole and opens his mouth*

Chiron Brothers: CANCER BUBBLE!!!

Meanwhile, on the wave roads above that very place…

Compass FM-ian: SHIVER ME TIMBERS! Is that Cancer Bubble?

Sails FM-ian: Is that Cancer Bubble?

Keel FM-ian: IT IS! Ohmygosh, ohmygosh, I’m his biggest fan! Cancer Bubble, the legendary secret agent who served King Cepheus himself before his majesty was into all that LALALA FRIENDSHIP stuff…

Poop Deck FM-ian: If ya love ‘im so much, then get off yer ass and save ‘im! Crab’s about ta be eaten by that big load a’ bullshit!

Compass FM-ian: Cancer… he be one of the last great FM-ians... We must act quick, mateys! We’re outnumbered, though… look at all them giant metool viruses!

Keel FM-ian: Let us use those four conveniently placed humans as host bodies! *points at the Chiron Brothers*

Sails FM-ian: Host bodies!

Compass FM-ian: Good eye, lad! They be lonely souls, too… convenient indeed! YAR HAR HO!

And thus, the four FM-ians charged straight into the bodies of the Chiron Brothers… who promptly began to glow, and change shape…

Metool: ?!

Chiron Brothers: *now glowing, they thrust the giant met who was holding them down up into the air*

Metool: AIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeee… *disappears into the sky*

Compass FM-ian: (inside Jason’s mind) Aye, matey… let yer inner loneliness out!

Jason: (BY THE STARS! The almighty Zeus himself has blessed me with his divine power, and is speaking into my soul! O great one… I am not worthy…)

Compass FM-ian: (Arrrr… right… as I was sayin’… take all that rejection you and yer brothers faced from society, and turn it against ‘em! Now, me lad… WAVE CHANGE!)

Sails FM-ian: (inside Bellerophon’s mind) WAVE CHANGE! WAVE CHANGE! *squawks*

Bellerophon: (Lo, what a harmonious feast to the ears… a lyrical and melodic voice speaks into my soul! It must be the god of music, lending me his power… is that you, O great Apollo?)

Sails FM-ian: (Is that you, O great Apollo?)

Bellerophon: (No, I was asking you!)

Sails FM-ian: (No, I was asking you!)

Bellerophon: (Are you testing my faith? Or is it an argument you want?!)

Sails FM-ian: (…)

Bellerophon: (…)

Sails FM-ian: (…WAVE CHANGE!)

Poop Deck FM-ian: (inside Laertes’s mind) *buuuuuuuurp*

Laertes: (My… what was that sound? I feel the power of the gods welling up inside me… truly, with my brainpower, I should be receiving the blessings of Athena, goddess of wisdom, but…)

Poop Deck FM-ian: (Shut yer yap n’ wave change a’ready!)

Heracles: (I wonder what god I’ll get… oh, it must be Aphrodite! The goddess who is as shirtless as I am!)

Keel FM-ian: (I… don’t follow, good sir. But please wave change with me, so we may save our hero!)

Heracles: (If that means what I think it means… I would GLADLY “wave change” with you, O goddess of beauty! Let us bear shirtless, demi-god offspring together!)

Keel FM-ian: ( … … … … … … … … anybody want to trade hosts with me? Um, Puppis?)

Poop Deck FM-ian: (Ya fuse wit’ ‘im, yer stuck wit’ ‘im!)

Compass FM-ian: (And now, Argo Squad…)

Chiron Brothers and the Argo Pirates: EM WAVE CHANGE! ARGO SQUAD, ON AIR!

(And then, there was a bright flash, as the four humans assumed Wave Forms!)

Joel: !!

Jason: Behold! I am Pyxis Flare!

Bellerophon: *poses* Vela Sails!

Laertes: Puppis Shield!

Heracles: And Carina Knight!

Chiron Brothers: TOGETHER WE ARE THE ARGO SQUAD, GUARDIANS OF OLYMPUS! *lots and lots of poses*

Joel: Mrrrrgh…

Cancer Bubble: (still in Taurus Fire’s grasp) Y’know, buku, in all this time watching them pose, you could have just eaten me… but nyah nyah, it’s too late nooooooow—

Joel: *sticks Cancer Bubble in his mouth* Hm?

Heracles: Wheel Boomerang! *throws his shield, promptly nailing Taurus Fire in the face!*

Joel: *spits out Cancer Bubble* Why you… *charges at Carina Knight*

Laertes: Remo Deck! *the wooden, deck-like shields on each shoulder detach, and float in front of Taurus Fire, forming a wall*

Joel: *crashes into the wall*

Laertes: Deck Cannon! *the two floating shields each open to reveal miniature cannons, which blast Taurus Fire, sending him crashing into a rock wall, which promptly collapses on him* ALRIGHT! Praise be to Nike, goddess of victory!

Puppis: (Do ya really need t’ shout attack names? Ya could o’ jus’, y’know, ATTACKED, ya idiot!)

Laertes: (O messenger of the gods, I would have thought you’d known… you, a servant of Athena?)

Puppis: (Wha… what’re ye on, mate? I thought I was s’pose ta be th’ drunken babbler ‘round ‘ere!)

Laertes: (…um, as I was saying, had you have studied under your divine mistress, you’d know that shouting attack names is an integral process to any supernatural fighting style! According to my research, in order to tap into the power of the spirits… in this case, who happen to be the gods, you must first acquire their attention! Only by shouting the name of your attack at the top of your lungs, will the gods and/or spirits actually be able to hear you and grant you the power you desire!)

Puppis: (ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz… *snort* Um, righ’… can’t ya at leas’ give ‘em good names? None o’ this “deck cannon” crap.)

Laertes: (As long as the point is clear, the name doesn’t need to be anything truly speci—)

Metools: *they pile on top of Puppis Shield*

Cancer Bubble: (sighing) Buku… It’s times like these that make me glad I can Wave Change without having a human host to argue with. *yawns, then summons a Tidal Wave that drenches the mets that tackled Puppis Shield*

Bellerophon: (in that air, swiftly encircling the drenched mets) Lightning Rope! *whips each of the wet viruses with electrically charged ropes, deleting them effortlessly*

Vela: *mimics the viruses’ death screams*

(More viruses appear)

Jason: Crimson Flare! *sends a signal flare up into the air*

Metool #1: Is that a signal flare? Is he… calling for help?

Metool #2: It might be some sort of diversion!

Metool #3: Who knows… but it sure looks pretty! Let’s all stare at it!

(They do so… but then, the signal flare suddenly descends to the ground, engulfing the viruses in a firey explosion!)

The fight went on for a while longer, until Cancer and the Argo Squad finally cleared the area of viruses.

Jason: Magnificent work, my brothers! This calls for the Argo Squad’s patented victory pose!

And so, they formed a human/FM-ian pyramid, cheerleader style. They shouted their praise to the heavens… but then, the pyramid was suddenly collapsed by a flying boulder!

Joel: (standing in the rubble of the rock wall, holding at least a dozen more large boulders with one arm) There’s more where that came from, my friends! *begins tossing them, one after another, in clockwork*

Puppis: (Use yer shields! But use a better name than “remo deck!”)

Laertes: (What do you propose I call the ability? I actually thought “remo deck” was fairly creative, with “remo” being an abbreviated form of “remote controlled.” I say, in order to have a good attack name, one must keep it quick, and to the point, or else you could waste valuable time in battle that would otherwise—) *is knocked down by a boulder… as more begin to pile up on top of him*

Cancer Bubble: OOH! Strike two… *rolls away to dodge a boulder*

Bellerophon: *weaving around each of the boulders in the air*

Jason: Homing Needle! *throws several projectiles shaped like compass needles – one for each boulder in the air. The needles home in on the boulders, destroying them midair. He then destroys those covering Puppis Shield as well.*

Cancer Bubble: Excellent work, buku! *turns to Taurus Fire* Now, Joel, ready to give up this silly cannibal act?

Joel: Gah… five-to-one… guess I don’t have much of a choice, do I…

Cancer Bubble: Yay!

Jason: …NOW, my brothers!

(The Argo Squad surrounds Taurus Fire, and begins pummeling him silly until he reverts to his human form)

Cancer Bubble: …

Bellerophon: *ties Joel up* BEHOLD! The minotaur has been vanquished! Now exorcised of all evil, it has assumed the form of a common human being!

Joel: CRAAAAAAAAAAB! What is the meaning of all this?!

Jason: What should we do with him, O Cancer Bubble?

Cancer Bubble: Just take him back to the boat for now, buku.

Joel: Boat? Who exactly are these freaks anyway?!

Bellerophon: What should we do with him, you ask? Perhaps we should eat him… pure, poetic justice at its finest!

Heracles: Don’t even joke about that! No matter who it is, no matter what they did, eating a fellow human being is no better than wearing a shirt!

Cancer Bubble: (wincing) Harsh, buku…

(Suddenly, even MORE viruses show up!)

Metool #1: What’s this? Our King is really a human?

Metool #2: You know what that means!

Metools #3, 4, and 5: YUM YUM YUM YUM YUM!

Joel: …Stand down this instant! That’s a direct order from your King!

Metools #6, 7, 8, 9, and 10: YUM YUM YUM!

(Even more Giant Mets begin to flow out from every corner of the labyrinth)

Laertes: Too many to fight in such close quarters…

Heracles: We shall take the fight outside! *Effortlessly collapses a wall with his mighty spear* This way!

Bellerophon: I shall go on ahead! *Flies out of the labyrinth, with a tied up Joel still in tow*

Carina Knight collapses wall after wall, and everybody else follows – including the viruses – until they were outside. There, the viruses’ great numbers became apparent…

  
  Mets: YUM YUM…

Jason: Yeeesh… they never end, do they?

Cancer Bubble: Well, um… damn it… *picks up a small rock* Errr, everybody, step back! *tosses the rock into the center of the crowd of metools*

Metool #1: *is hit* Heeeeey… my helmet! I just had it polished, too!

Metool #2: Serves you right, pretty boy.

Metool #1: …YOU threw the rock at me, didn’t you?! You were jealous of how shiny my helmet was, so you thought it would be funny to scratch it, HUH?!

Metool #2: Enough with the baseless accusations! HE did it! *points its pickaxe at another met*

Metool #3: What… no! Just because you’re still sour over that time I lit a bonfire in your garden doesn’t mean I did it!

Metool #2: SHUT UP! *pickaxes that met*

Metool #4: YOU MONSTER! HE WAS MY FRIEND! *pickaxes back*

Metool #5: CAN’T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?! *waves its pickaxe around, striking various other viruses*

(And thus, the viruses fought amongst themselves, until none were left standing.)

Cancer Bubble: …*blink blink*… … … *fiendish grin* …BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Only one of my crabby might has the skill and the brains to fell entire armies with a single stone, buku!

Joel: (still tied up, dangling in the air below Bellerophon) …WHAT.

Jason: My word… he could have only picked up that technique from my great ancestor, Jason the First; from whom I took my name! He truly is one with the gods!

Laertes: Indeed, as it was, in Jason the First’s quest for the Golden Fleece, an army of warriors, born from dragon’s teeth, sprouted forth from the ground! But with quick thinking, Jason the First felled the army with but a single rock! For he knew that, from the center of their gathering, they wouldn’t have been able to determine the direction from whence the rock came, and thus, blame one another for the act!

Cancer Bubble: …Um, yes… that’s… exactly right, buku! That was definitely no blind fit of desperation! Heh… the crab’s wisdom spans throughout the ages, y’see!

Chiron Brothers: PRAISE BE TO CANCER BUBBLE!!!

Cancer Bubble: *smug, self-satisfied grin*

Joel: Urgh…

Jason: (kneeling) O mighty Cancer Bubble… you are our eternal light. But please, I beseech of thee… please grant us humble fishermen but one more favor!

Cancer Bubble: Sure thing! There’s nothing the almighty Cancer Bubble can’t do!

Jason: I am humbled, O great one… long ago, as I’m sure you know, our ancestor, Jason the First, sought out the Golden Fleece, so that he would ascend to his rightful place atop the throne of Iolcus. And now… we, the humble Chiron Brothers, hope to do the same! So please, O mighty crab… we humbly request your aid in our quest!

Cancer Bubble: Hmmm… I think that can be arranged, buku… Golden Fleece, you say. But why stop at just one measly kingdom? We could ascend to the throne of THE WORLD with that thing!

Joel: …With the skin of some dead sheep? How are we supposed to take over the world with that, you dimwitted sea creature?

Bellerophon: You can… strangle people with it!

Cancer Bubble: Sounds good to me! Now, let us be off, buku… to ADVENTUUUUUUUUURE!!!

Later, aboard the fishing boat…

Jason: Our destination is the land of Colchis, where Jason the First was said to have searched for the Fleece. Oh, but if only we had a compass!

Pyxis: (…You ARE a compass, lad!)

Jason: …The voice of Zeus himself speaks to me once more! Pardon my mortal ignorance, O great one!

Pyxis: *projects his image in front of the brothers* Zeus, me lad? Arrrr, no. I be Captain Pyxis, leader of the Argo Pirates! YAR HAR HO!

(The other FM-ians appear before them as well)

Carina: I am Carina. *bows* It’s a pleasure to meet you all!

Puppis: Yea’, I’m Puppis. *chugs down another bottle of rum*

Vela: I be Captain Pyxis, leader of the Argo Pirates! YAR HAR HO!

Pyxis: Sure ye be, Vela. Sure ye be.

Cancer Bubble: Oh boy, more FM-ians, here on Earth?! Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy!

Jason: FM-ians… just like what you say you are? Meaning, they too are messengers of the gods?

Cancer Bubble: Um… yes! They sure are! *whispering to Pyxis* Psst, just play along, buku.

Pyxis: …Aye, we be! We serve the one and only true god of the universe… THE FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER!

Chiron Brothers: …

Cancer Bubble: *epic facepalm(faceclaw?)*

Laertes: …blasphemy…

Bellerophon: (intimidating pose) …ALMIGHTY ZEUS, SMITE THE HEATHENS!

Heracles: YOUR OMNIPOTENCE, BURY THEM IN A PILE OF DIRTY LAUNDRY CONSISTING ENTIRELY OF WORN OUT SHIRTS, AND CAST THEM DOWN INTO THE INFERNAL WASHING MACHINE OF HADES!

Cancer Bubble: WAIT!

(The brothers give Cancer their full attention)

Cancer Bubble: Well, buku… as the messenger of Poseidon, one of the Twelve Olympians… I can tell you that this… Flying Spaghetti Monster… is the Thirteenth Olympian!

Chiron Brothers: …

Cancer Bubble: … *sweat drop*

Jason: …Why of course! So the rumors of a 13th are true! Be at ease, my brothers!

Chiron Brothers: PRAISE BE TO THE FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER!

Cancer Bubble: Phew! Now that that’s over with…

Carina: (floating in front of Cancer Bubble) …OH MY GOD CANCER BUBBLE IT REALLY IS YOU IN THE FLESH! LEGENDARY SECRET AGENT, MENTOR TO THE GREAT FM-IAN DETECTIVE ANTLIA! IT’S A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU, SIR, I’M YOUR BIGGEST FAN, YOU’RE MY CHILDHOOD HERO, I BASED MY LIFE OFF YOUR TEACHINGS, CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH, AND LOOK I MADE A WHOLE WEBSITE DEDICATED TO YOU AND I WRITE CANCER BUBBLE FANFICTION IN MY SPARE TIME ON A REGULAR BASIS WANNA SEE?????

Pyxis: (shoving Carina away) …Aye. We four do appreciate the work ye’ve been doin’ with yer Blue Shift team, lad. Glad to see the ol’ FM-ian dream bein’ kept alive. See, Planet FM has changed… ‘tis all about LOVE and FRIENDSHIP now…

Cancer Bubble: !! …buku! That’s TERRIBLE!

Jason: Planer FM… as in, Mount Olympus? NO! The Great Zeus would never allow his realm to be lowered to the level of a children’s cartoon! We must act fast!

Laertes: Wait… how, I ask, did this happen?

Bellerophon: WHO CARES! We must uncover the Fleece ASAP, so that we may strangle the morality right out of them!

Cancer Bubble: FULL SPEED AHEAD!

And thus, the fishing boat sped forth, in pursuit of the land of Colchis. However, they soon found an obstacle preventing their progress. Two tall, massive, jagged rocks, on either side of a narrow straight of water – the only means of reaching Colchis. However…

Rocks: (clashing violently against one another) *CLASH CLASH CLASH CLASH CLASH*

Bellerophon: By the stars! If we travel through there, we’d become but a serving of pancakes!

Joel: (still tied up, though gradually forcing himself out) Unfff… hm? Pancakes, you say…

Laertes: (opening his book) Hm… according to my Tome of Infinite Knowledge, these are the Symplegades… and they have claimed many ships. However, when Jason the First encountered them, he released a dove to distract the rocks. After their go at smashing the bird, they opened slowly, giving Jason the First just enough time to sail through the opening…

Joel: Well, we don’t have a dove, do we? The closest thing we have to bird is… *breaks free from his binds* …A CRAB! *rushes towards Cancer Bubble*

Vela: (bumping into Joel) *squawks* The closest thing we have to a bird is… A CRAB!

Joel: (stopping) You are correct, my feathered friend. So, “almighty” Cancer Bubble… in our quest to free Mount Olympus from corny morals or what have you, you must acknowledge that in order to achieve victory, one must make sacrifices. So…

Crown Thunder: (lumbering onto the deck, moaning) Ohhhhhh… it’s the guys who stole all my shinies… *sigh* …but I don’t even care anymore… life is meaningless now… without my shinies…

Cancer Bubble: Speaking of sacrifices..!

Heracles: *lifts Crown Thunder over his head*

Crown Thunder: Wha… HEY! I DIDN’T REALLY MEAN LIFE WAS MEANINGLESS well except that I am kind of already dead BUT STILL, PUT ME DOWN—

Heracles: *throws Crown Thunder between the rocks*

Crown Thunder: AIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE—

Rocks: *CLASH!*

Crown Thunder: (falling, in many pieces) AHHHHHH!!! I’LL HAVE MY REVEN— *splash*

Joel: Erm… wasn’t that… a bit harsh?

Cancer Bubble: NOPE!

Thus, the little fishing boat successfully sailed between the two rocks without any harm. And soon enough, our heroic villains found themselves standing on the coast of Colchis!

Cancer Bubble: Okay, we’re here. So… where’s my Golden Fleece, buku?

Voice: Grr… I have that which you seek…

Cancer Bubble: OHMYGOSH!! Is that you, Wolf?!

Wolf: Who is this “Wolf” you speak of? I am Aeëtes, King of Colchis, and the son of Helios!

Cancer Bubble: Uh… huh. So, you tryin’ to be cute, or did you bump your head?

Wolf: …If you truly desire the Golden Fleece, I would give it to you. HOWEVER! Only if you complete the tasks I set upon you! First, you must plow a field with fire-breathing oxen!

Cancer Bubble: *pinches Joel*

Joel: OUCH! Hey, and… before you get any ideas, Taurus is still unconscious from when those new teammates of yours piled on top of us!

Wolf: …Then once you do that, you must plant the field with dragon’s teeth, and tend to it without break for the next four hundred years!

Cancer Bubble: Just like that one sidequest in Chrono Trigger? I love that game!

Wolf: …And you can’t cheat out of your duties by leaving a robot to do all the work for you while you slink away into your little time machine to travel 400 years into the future, where the work is finally done for you! Oh, no. I expect to see YOU and YOU ALONE working your ass off those whole four hundred years!

Bellerophon: What is this madness?! Cancer Bubble may be an immortal being, but 400 years of nothing but work, all on his own, is sheer ridiculousness! My brothers, let us slay this vile monarch and take the Fleece here and now!

Heracles: No, we mustn’t! He’s the son of Helios! And if we were to anger him, the sun god… I don’t even want to think about what would become of us!

Wolf: …Then after those four hundred years are up, and you are plagued with exhaustion, you must slay the Sleepless Dragon that protects the fleece! Any questions?

Cancer Bubble: Yes… is Elec here with you?

Wolf: Who is this “Elec” you speak of? The only other person around here is my daughter, Medea. She’s up on that hill over yonder, likely practicing her witchcraft or whatever it is kids do these days.

Cancer Bubble: Is that so, buku?  Craaaaaaab... away! *runs up the nearest hill*

(Atop the hill)

Elec: (picking up a rusty crowbar she found on the ground) Hm…

Cancer Bubble: ELEEEEEEEC!!!

Elec: Cancer?

Cancer Bubble: ELEC!

Elec: Yeah... touching reunion blah blah blah.  Just get me off this friggin' island before I snap! *shakes her crowbar*

Cancer Bubble: No worries, buku!  Come on, join me and the gang on an ADVENTURE!

Chiron Brothers: HOOOOORAAAAAAAAH!

Elec: Who... are these people?

Cancer Bubble: Oh, some new friends of mine… long story. But right now, Wolf is acting awfully kooky…

Elec: Yeah, he bumped his head after we washed up here, and now he thinks he’s a character from Jason and the Argonauts. I was just up here searching for a blunt object to smack some sense into him… think this rusty crowbar will work?

Cancer Bubble: Don’t know ‘till we try! COMMENCE THE SMACKIFICATION, BUKU!

Elec: (running down the hill, brandishing the crowbar in the air) RRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrragh!

Wolf: Medea, what are you— *smack’d*

Elec: Okay, no more games, Wolf.

Wolf: …

Elec: …Wolf?

Wolf: …

Jason: FOOLISH CHILD! You killed Aeëtes, son of Helios! Are you prepared to face the sun god’s wrath?!

Elec: You, be quiet. Wolf, are you yourself again?

Wolf: …Oreos.

Elec: Oreos?

Wolf: I crave Oreos… Give me some or I will personally tear your innards out with an ice pick.

Joel: …Now he thinks he’s Red Shift’s Cygnus Wing…

Elec: *smacks him again*

Wolf: It’s-a me, MARIO! Woohoo!

Elec: (sighing) This is going to take a while… *smacks him again*

Cancer Bubble: But… does this mean I’ll never find the Golden Fleece?

Elec: Hate to break it to you, but no. He only THOUGHT he had the Golden Fleece, remember? It was just a story he was reenacting in his mind, Cancer.

Cancer Bubble: Aw..!

Chiron Brothers: LIES!

Jason: That Fleece is around here somewhere, and I’ll be damned if we don’t find it!

(Elsewhere, further up the coast…)

Crown: Oh, there you are. Been searching…

Ghost: Yeah? Well, I quit. I’m tired of being the buttmonkey, so I’m headed back to the afterlife. Seeya.

Crown: Not so fast, MISTAH! You’re not leaving just yet… do you have any idea how hard it is to find ghosts for host bodies these days? Besides, you, the buttmonkey? You barely say or do anything when we’re Crown Thunder – I’m the one in control 99% of the time, so it’s me who puts up with all the abuse, boy-o.

Ghost: Who cares. Bye.

Crown: …Look, SHINY! *holds up a sparkly, gold-colored sweater*

Ghost: !!

Crown: You like it? Kekekekeke… somebody left their sparkly fleece sweater here on the beach, so I picked it up…

Ghost: *charges for the “shiny” and crashes into Crown, resulting in a Wave Change*

Crown Thunder: KUKUKUKUKUKUKU! I thought just as much, dear ghost. And now, with our new shiny in tow, we plot our revenge!

Jason: (from a distance, pointing at Crown’s sweater) LOOK! There’s our Golden Fleece!

Elec: That’s just a fleece sweater, you idiot. Cancer, let’s go home.

Laertes: The Skeleton Demon survives… and he appears to have woven the wool of the Fleece into a shirt…

Heracles: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! *collapses to his knees* That MONSTER!!! THIS WILL NOT BE FORGIVEN!!! *drives his spear into the ground… which, in turn, causes an earthquake!*

Crown Thunder: ACK— *trips and falls over*

Heracles: DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!!! *charges at Crown, his spear extended*

Crown Thunder: (gets stabbed) OUCHIES!

Heracles: *kicks Crown Thunder repeatedly*

Bellerophon: With Heracles enraged, the Skeleton Demon is not long for this world!

Elec: Yeeeeeep, he’s pretty much doomed. Away we go!

Cancer Bubble: Yea, let’s go let’s go let’s go!

Meanwhile, on Mount Olympus…

Poseidon: …Brother, are you even listening to me?!

Zeus: Probably not.

Poseidon: UGH! Must I repeat myself?! That villainous crab… the one who keeps defying me while pretending to be my “messenger”…He enlisted some of the few people who actually still believe in us Greek gods as his personal servants, and has been brainwashing those poor, gullible souls to his whims!

Zeus: Uh huh… try drowning him?

Poseidon: TWICE! Neither attempt worked! That’s why I am asking YOU to do something!

Zeus: Sorry, I have plans tonight. Being king of the gods is hard work, you know.

Poseidon: Yeah, you lay around on your ass and get people pregnant. HELP ME OUT FOR ONCE!

Zeus: Nope. Can’t be late for any of my 12 dates! *sits back on his throne*

???: I would rather you didn’t ignore your brother’s plea for help.

Zeus: Huh? Is that..?

Flying Spaghetti Monster: Yes, Zeus. It is I…

Zeus: M-much apologies, O great Noodly One! I shall assist at once, your magnificence! *forms a lighting bolt in his hand, and throws it downwards towards the mortal plane…*

(Back with our heroic villains)

Heracles: *pins Crown Thunder down*

Crown Thunder: HAAAAAAAAALP!!!

Carina Knight raises his spear, preparing to deal the final blow to Crown Thunder. Only then, however, was the latter struck with Zeus’s divine lighting! Carina Knight is tossed into the air as Crown Thunder begins to glow. The skeleton stood up, and began to expand in size. He sprouted wings, a tail, and a long neck, while unleashing a furious roar!

Jason: By what divine treachery… the Skeleton Demon has transformed itself into the Sleepless Dragon of legend!

Crown Thunder: KEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKE!!! *hides the “Golden Fleece” in his cloak*

Heracles: It has assimilated with the shirt… AUGGHH!!! *leaps into the air, ready to impale the dragon*

Crown Thunder: *breathes fire, knocking Carina Knight down*

Jason: Heracles..! Gah. Laertes, Bellerophon! Delta formation!

(The brothers surround the dragon… but are quickly sent flying, thanks to a single swoop of its mighty tail.)

Joel: I… guess we should help stop this thing. Taurus, wake up already!

Taurus: (in Joel’s transer, yawning) Mooooo… whatever. *they Wave Change into Taurus Fire*

Elec: Wolf, On Air!

Wolf: *sniff* LEAVE HER ALOOOOOOOONE! AFTER ALL SHE’S BEEN THROUGH! *sobs* SHE HAD TWO FUCKING CHILDREN, SHE WENT THROUGH A DIVORCE… *crying hysterical*

Elec: *smashes Wolf upside the head once again with the crowbar, triggering them to merge into Wolf Woods*

Joel: *he breathes fire at the dragon… however, the dragon actually catches the flames in its mouth, and spits them back at him with twice the force*

Elec: (slashing shockwaves at the dragon, to little effect) What’s gotten into this little creep? He was never this powerful!

Crown Thunder: Well, baby, since you can’t beat me, why don’t you join me… in bed? *opens his cloak, flashing everybody within a 10-mile radius* CLIIIIIIIMB!!!

Cancer Bubble: (in shock) OH… MY…

Alas… as it was, the repulsively unnerving sight of the dragon’s exposed body was too much for our heroic villains to bear. The true extent of the horror cannot even begin to be properly described with words… it was that disturbing. Everyone present collapsed to the ground, covering their eyes with utmost force, hoping to forget what they had just seen… but to no avail.

Libra: Now you too know the extreme mental imbalance I have to suffer day in and day out, every waking hour of my existence!

Vok: (smiling wickedly) And there’s more where that came from… much more.

Hey! You two don’t belong in this epilogue; get out!
A-HEM. Anyway, back with Blue Shift and the Argo Squad; after finally deciding it would be safe to look again, they opened their eyes… only to find Cancer Bubble attempting to fight his way out of the dragon’s jaws!

Cancer Bubble: (holding the dragon’s upper jaw above him with his claws) Ugh… Crown, why are you doing this, buku?!

Crown Thunder: REVENGE! *bites down harder*

Cancer Bubble: ACK!

Elec: NO!

Joel: Look, would you at least mind sharing some of that with me?

Jason: This… this is terrible! O mighty gods, I beseech of thee, protect our savior!

Carina: (PLEEEEEEEEASE! Without Cancer Bubble, our hero, what is there left to fight for?)

Pyxis: (Arrrrr… Carina. Are ye forgettin’ about our trump card?)

Jason: (Trump card?)

Carina: (But… we’ve never used it before! We have no way of telling what would happen…)

Puppis: (Jus’ shuddap an’ do it!)

Vela: (Do it!)

Bellerophon: (But what… and how, O messengers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster?)

Pyxis: (Are ye familiar with astronomy, lads?)

Laertes: (Oh yes… according to my research, the constellations Pyxis, Puppis, Vela and Carina are actually parts of a larger constellation… known as Argo… named for Jason the First’s ship.)

Pyxis: (Yer a sharp one, matey! Right on the money! Though ya could afford ta be less… y’know, educational. Considering we be fightin’ against love and friendship, we may as well battle education as well! Now, Chiron Brothers, listen to what Captain Pyxis has ta say! Come together, let yer minds flow as one… and maybe do a fancy fusion dance while yer at it.)

(All four brothers nod, and engage in their fancy, obviously DBZ-influenced, fusion dance…)

Jason: And now, Argo Squad…

Argo Squad: MERRRRRRRGE!!!

(The brothers stand together, as a bright light from the heavens engulfs them)

Crown Thunder: (distracted, he drops Cancer Bubble on the ground) Shiiiiiiny… *lumbers towards the light*

(The light soon subsides, and in its place is…)

Argo Navis: ARGO NAVIS, HEIR TO THE GOLDEN MANE!

Crown Thunder: Wow, he’s HUGE…

Argo Navis: *takes Crown Thunder in both hands, and tears him clean in half!*

Joel: …okay…

Cancer Bubble: *blinks* …You guys are AMAZING, buku! You’re the best new teammates EVER!

Elec: Well, I guess that settles that.

(In the air)

Crown: Well, shit. Guess I’m going to have to find a new— *spots his ghost* Ah, there you are.

Ghost: You know what, Crown? Screw this. I’m outta here. *fades away*

Crown: HEY! Not so fast! *charges*

A split second before the ghost vanishes completely, Crown manages to Wave Change with whatever is still left of him in the living world. The fused form, which no longer resembles a dragon, lands on the ground below.

Crown: (There we are. Looks like you’re staying with me from now on, nameless ghost! Say… what is your name anyway?)

Crown Thunder: …

Crown: *facepalms with his mustache* (So the soul has left for the next world, I see. Bah. No problem, though, ‘cause…)

Crown Thunder: …The body belongs 100% to me now! KUKUKUKUKUKUKUKU!!!

Elec: Rrrrgh… freakin’ goodie. But you can’t keep the residue of that ghost around forever… you’re getting a new host eventually. Preferably one that will keep you in line! Right, CanBu?

Cancer Bubble: Not that it matters, buku. Because we have the Argo Squad now! Right, boys?

Argo Navis: …PURGE THE DEMON! *somehow, his hand turns into a drill, which he thrusts at Crown Thunder*

Crown Thunder: EEP! *barely leaps out of the way*

Cancer Bubble: Hey um, Argo guys? Crown’s not a threat any more, so could we… tone things down a bit?

Argo Navis: …SUFFER IN THE NAME OF ZEUS, FELL DEMON! *fires cannonballs everywhere – none of them hit anywhere near Crown, however, each one explodes, destroying chunk after chunk of the coastline!*

Elec: That thing’s gone mad!

Cancer Bubble: (running towards the giant) Ya guys, STOP, buku! I can keep him under control, see? You can count on the crab to—

Argo Navis: *kicks Cancer Bubble into the air* O MIGHTY CANCER BUBBLE, WE ARE TRYING TO PROTECT YOU FROM THE DEMON! DO NOT INTERFERE! *he fires an insane amount of compass needle projectiles everywhere, cutting apart the landscape*

Crown Thunder: RUUUUUUUUNNN!!! *does just that*

Argo Navis: THERE IS NO ESCAPE FROM OUR DIVINE JUDGEMENT! *charges after him*

Taurus: (Mooooo, run, lazy human, RUN! He’s gonna crush us!)

Joel: (dashing) I’m… trying… OH SHI-

(Argo Magnes then trips over Taurus Fire! The latter remains relatively unharmed, while the giant falls flat on his face)

Joel: …whew…

Elec: (catching the falling Cancer Bubble in her arms) Let’s get out of here before he gets back on his feet! *dashes, with the crab in tow*

Cancer Bubble: But… but… my new teammates!

Elec: Forget them! Let’s concentrate on getting home!

Joel: No wave holes around here… mrrrgh, if I could only find that fishing boat…

Crown Thunder: (pointing) THERE’S a boat!

(But it wasn’t the Chiron Bros’ fishing boat – it was the Satella Police patrol boat!)

Copper: (driving the boat) I found you, ALIENS!!! Surrender yourselves now, or…

(The ALIENS board Copper’s boat!)

Copper: …Or, um… HELP!!! SOMEBODY HELP!!!

Joel: *shoves Copper aside, and takes over the controls, turning the boat back*

Crown Thunder: WE NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE!!! Gotta go fast! Gotta go fast! Gotta go faster faster FASTER FASTER FASTER

(The boat speeds as far away from the coast as possible… however, they were being followed)

Argo Navis: (charging, knee-deep in the otherwise “endlessly” deep ocean) DEATH TO THE SINNER! *shoots bursts of lighting into the air*

Officer #2: *faints at the sight of the giant alien*

Officers #1 and #3: IT’S THE BOGEYMAN!!! *they huddle close together*

Copper: (drawing his battle cards) I-I’ll just use my Barrier card, and everything will be okay..!

Joel: You know, in the old legend of Jason and his quest for the Golden Fleece, when he was being chased, he held back his pursuer by having his girlfriend cut apart her brother and throw his dismembered body parts into the sea as a diversionary tactic…

Elec: (wincing) So… are you saying we should actually do something like that?!

Joel: Hell NO! That is just… disturbing, man! That’s only what this whole situation reminded me of, that’s all.

Cancer Bubble: Yeah… chopping up your brother, that’s SICK, buku! That… is why we’re going to chop up Mr. Detective instead! *jumps onto Copper’s shoulder, claws snipping wildly near his face* Kekekekekeke!

Copper: AAAAAAH! S-stop right now! You can’t cut me apart! YOU CAN’T! How are you supposed to get past those clashing rocks without my knowledge?!

Cancer Bubble: With a decoy, of course! We did it once before, buku. Right, Crown?!

Crown Thunder: …Why am I still going along with you, again?

Cancer Bubble: Oh, fine then. We’ll use one of the Officers instead!

Officer #1: Durr, yay! I get to be useful!

Copper: Urgh! No, you nincompoops! I know a technique to get past the rocks without a decoy. For you see, according to my sensors, the rocks actually house a colony of EM viruses, which are responsible for the clashing motions. And, using my Whistle cards, I am able to momentarily draw them out, allowing for a safe passage.

Elec: Mm… very well. We shall spare you, for the moment…

(They approach the clashing rocks)

Rocks: *CLASH! CLASH! CLASH! CLASH!*

Elec: We’re getting closer and closer. Alright, old man. Draw out the viruses, before I draw out your spine!

Copper: *gulp* Um… well okay, just stand back… good. And now… *raises his transer, ready to slot in the Whistle card… but then, he turns around, and summons with a Star Carrier in the waters behind him, a holographic life raft with a smiling face* …SUCKERS!!! *jumps onto the raft*

Officer #3: YAY FOR MATTER WAVES! *also jumps on*

Officer #1: (grabbing the unconscious #2 by the foot) WHEEEE! *also jumps*

(The Satella Police speed away on their Matter Wave raft)

Joel: Why, those dastardly bastards…

Cancer Bubble: …THE ROCKS!!!

Rocks: *CLASH!!!*

Alas, Copper’s escape proved to be a distraction long enough for our heroic villains to sail between the rocks, only to be crushed!

Copper: Heh heh heh heh… yes… YES!!! I have finally destroyed those ALIENS! And now… people will finally respect me for the genius officer I am, and I may very well get that promotion!

Officer #1: Durrr… can I have a promotion too?

Copper: Can you have a promotion? AAAAAH ha ha ha… erm, *ahem* Anyway, with those aliens gone, the rest on earth are sure to follow, so long as I, Bob Copper, walk this planet!

But little did he know, the patrol boat Blue Shift was sailing on was sturdy enough to prevent the rocks from closing in all the way. However, the boat was reduced to little more than effectively a crushed tin can, being carried forward only by the current.

Joel: That was too close…

Elec: Ugh, just GREAT. Now this boat can’t move on its own, so how are we supposed outrun that giant?!

Cancer Bubble: No worries, buku! He’s not chasing us anymore.

Elec: Hm? How? It can’t be the rocks; he could completely obliterate them being that size…

Cancer Bubble: It wasn’t the rocks. Want to know the real reason why?

Joel: Erm… fine, I’ll ask. Why?

Cancer Bubble: Don’t ask me, ask Crown!

Crown Thunder: What are you talking about? … *noticing something’s amiss, he feels above his head* …WH-WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY CROWN?!

(Back with the Satella Police…)

Copper: Mwa ha ha ha. I can’t wait to see the look on Hair Lady’s face when she finds out that it was I who single-handedly destroyed the notorious Blue Shift team! THEN we’ll see who Chief Gant’s favorite is!

Officer #2: (waking up) Uhhhgh… what’s this now?

Officer #3: …I love your new hat, #2! Where did you get it?!

Officer #2: New… hat?

Argo Navis: *sees #2’s “new hat”* …FOUND YOU, SCOURGE OF HADES! LET IT BE KNOWN THAT NO MATTER WHAT FORM YOU TAKE, YOU CAN NEVER REMAIN HIDDEN FROM YOUR FATE!!! *prepares to attack the Satella Police with his near-endless arsenal of weaponry*

Copper: *many profanities*

(And back with Blue Shift.)

Cancer Bubble: And thus, my crabby wisdom has saved the day once again, buku!

Crown Thunder: Saved the day? Is it really appropriate for a villain to be saying that? *sighs*

Joel: Well, crab. Your “new teammates” turned out to be a bunch of savage pricks who would go as far as killing you in their mission to… well, protect you. I think my brain just exploded a little bit there. So, what have you learned during your little adventure?

Cancer Bubble: Absolutely nothing! …Well, except that morals are stupid and anybody who thinks otherwise needs to be strangled with the skin of a dead sheep, buku.

Joel: … *clenches fists*

Elec: Well… at least that sounded pretty darn villainous!

Cancer Bubble: Why thank you. And despite us floating ever so slowly home on a crushed boat… today’s been a pretty good day, buku! After all… *reaches into Crown Thunder’s cloak*

Crown Thunder: HEY! Only pretty ladies are allowed in there, you!

Cancer Bubble: *holds up the golden fleece sweater* …WE HAVE OBTAINED A POWERFUL NEW WEAPON, BUKU!!!

Joel: …Yay, I guess. Whatever.

And thus, our epic adventure draws to a close. After a long a perilous quest, Cancer Bubble finally got his claws on… a fleece sweater! With it, no one on earth is safe, as he plans to… strangle people with it. Well, good luck to him, I suppose.

- The End -