Blue Shift in...
Cancer's Odyssey
By Avi (Gemini Spark)

Starring...

Troy Harbor. The location of the Satella Police’s 37th Station. Tonight, three Satella officers are patrolling the neighboring streets to scope out any suspicious activity. Everything seemed to be in check, until…

Officer #1: Durr, oh boy, a giant piñata!

Officer #2: …W-where did this come from?

Officer #3: Who cares?! CANDY!! *raises his vacuum in baseball bat fashion*

Indeed, towering before them was a great, rainbow colored, papier-mâché donkey wearing a party hat. But, the oversized piñata did not hang from a tree. Instead, it stood on wheels.

Officer #2: Hmm… maybe we should take it back to the station before we break it open.

Officer #1: Derr, good idea! Because if we break it outside, dehh… those DARN DIRTY SEAGULLS could steal our candy! *shakes fist*

Officer #3: Hehe, the seagulls will never get past the station’s airtight defenses! Nothing can get past the station’s airtight defenses, especially not, say… those ALIENS!! Our candy is 100% safe in there!

And thus, the officers began to wheel the piñata off to 37th Station. But little did they know, there was no candy to be found inside the giant piñata… but rather…

Cancer Bubble: Kekekeke! They took the bait, buku! Once they bring us inside the station… SURPRISE ATTACK, BUKU!

Crown Thunder: Kukukukuku! Just like the Trojan Horse in Homer’s Odyssey!

Joel: Ugh! Tell me, why do I keep going along with Seafood here’s half-baked schemes?!

Elec: Hey. At least it’s better than what Red Shift could ever come up with! Destroying the world with a stale donut? Sheesh, we’ve only been at this for a few months and they’re already scraping the bottom of the barrel.

Crown: (But Homer likes donuts…)

Taurus: (…That Greek dude who wrote The Odyssey?)

Crown: (No, the earthling known as Homer Simpson. The very earthling who works the controls at the nuclear power plant.)

Wolf: (…I get it! So, if that puny earthling were to eat the aged donut and die, and his miserable, lifeless carcass were to fall on the controls and mess something up…)

Taurus: (The nuclear power plant would explode and destroy the world? Alriiiight!)

Crown: (Exactly, my friends!)

Elec: AUGH! You are all a bunch of idiots… HOMER SIMPSON IS A CARTOON CHARACTER FROM THE 20TH CENTURY. HE IS NOT REAL. AND ONE POWER PLANT CANNOT DESTROY THE WHOLE PLANET. So just shut up and go along with the plan!

Cancer Bubble then got up, and approached a monitor at the front of the piñata’s interior. With the skillful use of his claws, he typed a few strokes on a control panel, bringing up individual displays of the views outside the piñata from every angle on the monitor.

Cancer Bubble: Ha ha ha… we’re a ways inside the station now. Those Satella Police won’t know what hit ‘em, buku! *places his claw around a joystick of sorts* Everybody to battle stations!

(The rest of the Blue Shift team station themselves in front of other control panels around the interior of the piñata)

Outside of the piñata…

Officer #2: Hey um, Capt. Hector? We found this giant piñata on 68th street, and were wondering… can we… break it open and eat the candy inside?

Hector: …

Officer #3: PLEASE OH PLEEEEEEASE?!

Officer #1: We’ve been good little boys!

Hector: …Aren’t you three Copper’s men? Isn’t the office he’s stationed at on the other side of town?

Officer #3: …E-everything I know is a lie! *cries*

Officer #2: *pats #3 on the back* We all make mistakes, now…

Officer #1: Durrrr… can we still break open the piñata?!

Hector: No! You may not tamper with any suspicious evidence! Besides… *holds up some kind of a handheld device* The Z-wave readings on this piñata seem to suggest a hostile force… it could very well be crawling with EM viruses…

Cancer Bubble: NOW! *presses a button*

The piñata opens its mouth, and fires a massive laser that tears hole after hole through the walls of the station! Alarms begin to sound…

Hector: (through the intercom speaker) THERE HAS BEEN A CODE 662 BREACH OF SECUTIRY, I REPEAT, A CODE 662 BREACH OF SECUTIRY! All personnel are to evacuate immediately, I repeat, ALL PERSONNEL ARE TO EVACUATE IMMEDIATELY!

Officer #1: Durr… what?

Hector: (You morons…!) I shall stay here to fight off this monster. You three, your orders are to evacuate!

Officer #2: Captain… *sheds a tear* …we would like to stay here and fight with you!

Officer #3: (emotionally) Y-YEAH! We’re with you all the way, sir! ‘Cause we’re not leaving until we get our candy!

Hector: …just leave, you idiots!

Officer #1: Fiiiiiiiiiine… *the three go to leave, but…*

Crown Thunder: Not so fast, my pretties! *presses a button, causing the piñata to launch missiles towards the ceiling… a good chunk of it is blown out, revealing the night sky as chunks of debris fall and block the exits*

Officer #3: …Well, it looks like you’re stuck with us, sir!

Hector: UGH! Then just… stay behind and don’t get in my way! *readies his battle cards*

Joel: Not so fast, buddy! *pushes a button that causes the piñata to breathe fire*

Hector: AURA! *slots in a battle card, which forms a barrier that protects him from the flames… however, the station was quickly set ablaze!*

Officer #1: Ooooooh… pretty! *touches the flames* OUCH! *touches them again*

Hector: *slots an ArboEdge battle card into his transer, giving him a wooden blade*

Officer #1: *goes to touch the flames again, but is slapped away by #2*

Hector: Hiyaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! *jumps towards the piñata with sword in hand*

Elec: Evasive maneuvers! *goes to drive the piñata out of the way*

…However, Hector’s attack connects! He drives his sword down the piñata’s back to its belly, cutting it clean in half! Thus, its “contents” spilled all over the floor.

Crown Thunder: (landing on his head) OUCH! You cheater! You were supposed to be wearing a blindfold!

Hector: …FM-ians?!

Officers #1 and 3: CANDY!!!

Officer #1: Yum yum! *picks up Cancer Bubble and begins biting at his antennae*

Joel: MOOO! THAT’S MY CRAB DINNER, NOT YOURS! *swats Cancer to the floor, and lifts up #1, and throws him through whatever is left of the ceiling… soon to do the same with #2 and #3*

Hector: FM-ians… I should have known… very well, I shall take you all in, and succeed in the mission Copper failed in time and again! *grabs a full hand of battle cards, and loads them into his transer… soon, he is wielding more weapons than any one member of Blue Shift can take count of!*

Elec: Bring it!

Hector: Prepare to meet your end, scum from beyond! *feels something tugging at his leg* What now? *looks down*

Cancer Bubble: (standing at Hector’s feet) Hi. *snips Hector’s ankles*

Hector: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH— *falls on his back… and is promptly crushed by a falling piece of debris*

Cancer Bubble: HOOORAAAAAAY! *dances* But this place is falling apart, buku, we gotta get outta here, FAST FAST FAST!!!

Amidst the debris, the FM-ians spot a wave hole on the floor. They stand on it, as they are propelled up into the EM wave roads high in the air overlooking Troy Harbor. There, they bear witness to the burning remains of Satella Police 37th station, as it slowly crumbled into nothing.

Taurus: BOOOO-YA! We did it! The bad guys have won!

Joel: But… the Trojan Piñata… do you have any idea what I went through to build that stupid thing?!

Cancer Bubble: Who cares, because WE WON, BUKU!!! We knocked out a major Satella base of operations! Thanks to my crabby genius, no less. Now is the time of celebration, buku!

Joel: “Who cares…” WHO CARES?! I’LL TEACH YA SOME RESPECT, RUNT! *charges at Cancer Bubble*

Cancer Bubble: *steps aside, allowing Taurus Fire to fall off the wave roads*

Joel and Taurus: (falling) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh… *with a splash, they land in the harbor*

Elec: *shudders* I… guess I should help him out… *Not looking down, she returns to a nearby wave hole*

Wolf: (Don’t worry, your “faithful guard dog” will protect you from those MEAN OLD HEIGHTS. Pah, what a wuss you are!)

(Elec and Wolf enter a heated mental argument as they descend to the ground)

Cancer Bubble: Wh-why is everybody leaving me? I’m the almighty Cancer Bubble, buku… So be it, then! I shall celebrate my own victory from here, just me, being my crabby self, on top of the world!

Crown Thunder: Why, you’ve still got meeeeeeeee!

Cancer Bubble: I said, JUST ME, on top of the world, celebrating victory! It’s just too bad none of my teammates could be here to celebrate with me, buku.

Crown Thunder: *dances around in front of Cancer Bubble* Helloooooo? Boss Crab?

Cancer Bubble: …sometimes, I get the feeling they just don’t fully appreciate my lovable charm and genius, buku. Me… the cutest and most huggable evil overlord person the world has ever seen... But oh well, their loss, buku!

(Cancer Bubble climbs to the highest point of the wave road)

Cancer Bubble: (extending his claws) Behold, world! It is I, the great and mighty CANCER BUBBLE! All will bow before my might, and my irresistible smile, buku!

Meanwhile, in what used to be Ancient Greece, on top of Mount Olympus…

Poseidon: Look at that foolish mortal, parading himself as if he was a god… the NERVE!

Zeus: Look, if he bothers you so much, just catch him in a tidal wave or something, “O Mighty God of the Sea.”

Poseidon: MAYBE I WILL! *waves his trident around…*

Back on the Troy Harbor EM Road…

Cancer Bubble: BOY am I awesome, buku!

Crown Thunder: (behind Cancer) …OH-MY-GOD-A-GIANT-TIDAL-WAVE-COMING-OUR-WAY.

Cancer Bubble: (still ignoring Crown) Awesome crab is AWESOME!

Crown Thunder: RUNNNNNNNNNN— *is carried away by the tide!*

Cancer Bubble: Huh? *turns around… and sees a wave so enormous, it rises at least a story above even the wave roads* DAMN, buku! It turns out I am so great, even the sea itself has risen up to catch a glimpse of my smiling visage! BEHOLD— *is also carried away by the tide!*

(Back on the ground)

Joel: (drenched) Cursed weakness to water… I’m never going in again after that!

Elec: …LOOK OUT!

Wolf: (Oh, you sissies afraid of a little splash? GRR! Watch how it is done!) *barks like an overprotective guard dog at the tidal wave*

And thus, they too are carried off by the tide! We now go to the other side of town…

Berenice: *walking a frantic Det. Copper into the Satella Police Chief’s office* Cool it, Detective. The chief has a special assignment for you!

Copper: W-WAIT! Chief Gant, you must hear me out! According to a report from my men, Troy Harbor’s 37th Station has… are you even listening to me, sir?!

Gant: …

Copper: …

Gant: …

Copper: …

Gant: …tell me, Coppo. Have you gone swimming lately?!

Copper: Urrrrgh, no—

Gant: Is that so, Coppo m’boy? Well, may I have you know… you will be going swimming… right now! *points out the window… where the street has become a violently cascading river*

Copper: …y-you can’t be serious..!!

Gant: Oh… but I am very serious. *stares Copper in the eye* We wouldn’t want to think about what would happen if you were to disobey a direct order from the chief of police, now would we? *laughs*

Copper: …gulp.

Berenice: Indeed. The cause of these sudden floods is believed to be the work of a paranormal force… your field of specialty. Have fun investigating, “Coppo!”

Gant and Berenice: *laughing*

Copper: …*slowly backs out of the room*

Coma: *laughing to herself, within the secure confines of Capt. Berenice’s transer*

Copper: Grumble grumble grumble grumble…

Well, it seems that thanks to the constant blunders of Copper and his three idiot officers, he has become the laughingstock of the whole police force. BUT, who cares about him?! Let’s focus on somebody more important. No, not our heroic villains… I want to leave you in suspense in regards to their fates for a little while longer! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Oh… ahem. As I was saying, let’s check up on somebody more important. Like, say… um… hmm… AH HA! These four random fishermen!

Fishermen: HOORAH!!!

Um… yeah. Them. But, I wonder what they are doing out in the middle of the sea, on a dingy, old fishing boat, in such stormy weather?

Lead Fisherman: AH HA HA HA!! The great Poseidon has blessed us with his fortune, my brothers!!

Studious Fisherman: A mighty tsunami was conjured at the will of his divine hands, but lo and behold, we were spared…

Acrobatic Fisherman: (leaps up, raising his arms in the air) PRAISE BE TO POSEIDON, GOD OF THE SEVEN SEAS!

Fishermen: YEAH!!! *they each thrust a fist up into the air*

Shirtless Fisherman: But alas, days have passed since we have seen land, and my stomach, while free from the accursed binds of a shirt, pines to be fed!

Lead Fisherman: Fret not, brother! So long as we have Poseidon’s blessings, a fine catch shall be sure to greet us with time!

Acrobatic Fisherman: (tugging at his line) …BY THE GODS! I have a bite! *jumps into the air, somersaulting, all the while reeling in his line*

Studious Fisherman: Calm yourself, Bellerophon! Don’t you know that doing that may risk the loss of our catch, our one chance to partake in a feast since… how long?

Acrobatic Fisherman: Urgh… *lands his catch* ...I got it! *He examines his catch… a three foot tall crab in detective garb* My, what a magnificent gift from the gods…!

Cancer Bubble: *unconscious, hanging from the line*

Fishermen: *cheering*

Shirtless Fisherman: OOH! My shirtless stomach growls in anticipation! We must partake in a most glorious feast of shellfish, posthaste!

Studious Fisherman: This crab is positively enormous… but it is wearing clothes? Why would that be?

Lead Fisherman: Worry yourself not about the trivialities in the world, dear Laertes! Let us strip it naked and dig in!

Shirtless Fisherman: Yes, let’s! Free it from the evil that is the shirt!

Cancer Bubble: (waking up) Ugh… what just happened, buku?

Fishermen: IT-IT TALKS?!

Cancer Bubble: … *blink blink*

Acrobatic Fisherman: *backflips* Th-this is no ordinary crab!

Cancer Bubble: No, duh. I am the best crab ever… the great and mighty CANCER BUBBLE, buku!

Studious Fisherman: Pray tell… what is this… “buku” it speaks of?

Lead Fisherman: I can not say for sure… but one thing is for certain. Clearly… it is the long-lost language of our ancestors! The ones who served the gods!

Shirtless Fisherman: That can only mean…

Lead Fisherman: Yes, Heracles… this crab is the messenger of Poseidon!

Fishermen: *all bow before Cancer Bubble*

Cancer Bubble: Hehehehehehe! Yes, buku, finally somebody who appreciates my greatness! Now come, my servants!

Lead Fisherman: O Messenger of Poseidon, we would follow you to the ends of the earth! But please, I beseech of thee… lead us to land, so that we may sustain ourselves to further serve you and your master!

Cancer Bubble: Hmmmm… sure, whatever. As long as we get to wreak havoc upon the world, buku!

Lead Fisherman: …Havoc? Well, if it is in the name of the great Poseidon, we would gladly partake! Now, allow us to introduce ourselves. I am Jason, captain of this fair vessel!

Studious Fisherman: I am Laertes, our glorious ship’s humble engineer!

Acrobatic Fisherman: *fancy poses* I… *more fancy poses* am… *MORE fancy poses* …Bellerophon! *even more fancy poses*

Shirtless Fisherman: And I’m Heracles, the bane of shirts everywhere!

(Heracles lifts Jason up into the air, as Laertes and Bellerophon pose on either side of them)

Fishermen: (posing dramatically) AND TOGETHER, WE ARE THE CHIRON BROTHERS!!!

Cancer Bubble: Yeah yeah, that’s nice, buku. Now come, together we shall raise some hell!

Fishermen: …

Cancer Bubble: …in the name of Poseidon!

Fishermen: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!

At Mount Olympus…

Poseidon: …Raise hell… in the name of me?! DARE THAT FOOLISH MORTAL MOCK THE GODS SO?! I shall teach him some respect!

Zeus: Eh, have fun with that.

Back on the fishing boat…

Heracles: …And that is why I swore to myself that I’d never put on another shirt, ever again, so long as I walk this earth!

Cancer Bubble: But I don’t get it, buku… if Zeus hadn’t transformed himself into a fashionable shirt to attract your mother to the clearance rack to bang her up AS THE SHIRT, you wouldn’t be here today!

(The sky grows darker, and the tides steadily more restless)

Cancer Bubble: … Zeus really did things like that in Greek mythology, y’know! …erm, I mean, I know the guy, being a messenger and all, buku.

Heracles: Do you not see? My mother was raped by a SHIRT!

(The winds pick up… and the tides begin thrashing violently)

Bellerophon: SWEET ATHENA! By discussing such a questionably touchy subject, we have angered the gods!

Jason: (to Cancer) Is this true, O messenger of Poseidon? Is your master displeased with our discussion of not-safe-for-work content?

Cancer Bubble: Well, um, sure, buku! Actually, well, he’s displeased that I haven’t conquered, pillaged, or plundered for him yet! So get moving, chop chop chop!

(The boat is blown off course!)

Everyone: AIIIIEEEEE!!!

Laertes: Everyone! Below deck, now!

And thus, everyone retreated below deck, hoping to withstand the tempest of the gods’ fury. The ship was thrown about at the tide’s mercy, with its crew being tossed from wall to wall in the cabin. Soon enough, there was a loud thud that shook the boat, signifying that it had crashed against an island!

With the storm gradually settling down, the crew returns to deck, where they drop anchor and disembark.

Jason: O mighty Cancer Bubble… you have led us to land, just as we had requested of you! Truly, you are the messenger of Poseidon!

Cancer Bubble: Yup! Now, come, buku! Together, we shall lay waste to and conquer this island in the name of Blue Shift – errr, Poseidon!

Laertes: Blue Shift… is that how you say “Poseidon” in our ancestors’ ancient tongue?

Jason: Certainly it is, brother! There is no need to question the Crab’s words of wisdom! O messenger of Poseidon… we would gladly partake… however, we are starved! Please, lead us to food!

Crown Thunder: And beautiful women!

Everyone else: …

Bellerophon: *points at Crown Thunder dramatically* What… IS that foul abomination of Hades?!

Heracles: And where did it come from?!

Laertes: It must have stowed away onto our fair ship!

Jason: O mighty crab, how should we deal with this monstrosity?

Cancer Bubble: Hmmm… *looks at Crown Thunder*

Crown Thunder: …Hi, Boss Crab! Remember meeeeeee, CROWN THUNDAAAAAAA?! I climbed aboard the fishing boat when I was washed away by the tide, and have been hiding in the cabin since! I gots me some new shinies there, wants ta’ seeeeeeeee?

Bellerophon: Urghhh… I don’t trust this… thing one bit!

Heracles: Please, Crab, bless us with your fortune against this beast!

Cancer Bubble: … *looks at Crown, then to the Chiron brothers, then back again*

Crown Thunder: These fishy guys are starting to scare poor little me! I wanna go home nooooow!!!

Crown: (Oh won’t you please take me home?)

Crown Thunder: Take me down to the paradise city,
Where the grass is green
And the girls are pretty!
Take! Me! Home!

Cancer Bubble: … *turns to the Chiron brothers* Tie him up and throw him in the brig, buku! We could use him as a sacrifice to the gods or something later on!

Chiron Brothers: AS YOU COMMAND, O CRAB! *they charge at Crown Thunder*

Crown Thunder: W-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-whaaaaaat?! YOU DARE?! Don’t try it, fishy folk! I have lightning powers! And ghost minions with all kinds of weapons! I AM VERY POWERFUL!!! I can even do this! *strips open his cape, flashing everyone* CLIMB!!!

Jason: Oh? You truly expect to shock us with indecent exposure, when we ourselves are forced to bear witness to Heracles’s half-naked body every waking hour of our days? Nice try, fiend! GET HIM, MY BROTHERS!

The Chiron brothers all pile on top of poor Crown Thunder, beating him unconscious with their bare fists! They then rummage through his cloak, pulling out any and all of his shiny objects to pocket for themselves. They then tie him up, and throw him back into the cabin of their boat.

Cancer Bubble: WOW, BUKU! You’re all pretty good for a bunch of humans! Consider yourselves the honor of being my new teammates!

Chiron Brothers: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!!!

Cancer Bubble: Come, team! *hops up and down excitedly* Adventure time adventure time adventure time adventure time!

(And thus, Cancer Bubble leads his new teammates across the island. They are now passing through a sparsely forested area.)

Bellerophon: (holding an exceptionally shiny alarm clock) My, that demon’s cloak concealed a vast hammer space of wondrous treasures! But now, the spoils are all ours!

Laertes: But I cannot help but wonder where that demon came from… *flips through the pages of the book he is always seen holding* My Tome of Infinite Knowledge seems to know nothing of the matter… do you know, O great Cancer Bubble?

Cancer Bubble: Of course I do! We godly messenger types know practically everything, buku!

Heracles: Then what is the meaning of life?

Cancer Bubble: Contrary to popular belief, it actually isn’t 42. It’s really 41.89920761… lazy humans always lazily round it up, buku.

Laertes: Truly, you are a wellspring of veritable knowledge, and I salute you! *salutes* But what do you know about the stripping skeleton demon?

Cancer Bubble: Oh, him? Old teammate of mine… he was… but that’s in the past now! He was really annoying, buku! Always hitting on my girl, he was! I can’t wait to sacrifice him to the gods!

Chiron Brothers: YEAH!!!

Cancer Bubble: So, now that you guys are my new teammates, what’s your story?

Heracles: Did I not tell you of our origins, O crab? I’ll tell you again – our mother was going shopping at Nacy’s for a new shirt, when Zeus came and—

Laertes: For the last time, Heracles! Just because we never met our real father, doesn’t mean it was the almighty Zeus! Nor did your conception happen in such an absurd fashion!

Bellerophon: Indeed… *poses* for it was actually Apollo transformed into a hat who did it!

Jason: Silence, brothers! You mustn’t act this way in front of the great messenger of Poseidon! *clears throat* Ahem, sorry, O mighty Cancer Bubble. To answer your question, we are nothing more than four humble fisherman, cast away by society, because they were all like, “NYEH NYEH NYEH NO ONE BELIEVES IN GREEK GODS THESE DAYS ANY MORE WHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” Alas, here we are, all alone, on the vast sea, just us on our old, dingy little fishing boat…

Bellerophon: MIGHTY VESSEL!

Jason: Whatever.

Cancer Bubble: Alone, you say? We FM-ians – that’s what you call “Messengers of Poseidon” in Greek by the way – are drawn to tortured loneliness! We take that tortured loneliness, and turn it into power, buku… power to get back at those who shunned you. Wouldn’t you like to get back? Huh, would you, would you, WOULD YOU?!

Jason: Surely… we would love to!! But first and foremost… we must eat!

Cancer Bubble: Huh? Oh, right… but I don’t see anything around here, buku, only trees!

Bellerophon: Trees taste terrible!

Cancer Bubble: Wait a minute… I found something, I FOUND SOMETHING! *points to a rocky stronghold amidst the trees*

Bellerophon: Rocky strongholds also taste terrible!

Jason: No, brother! What Cancer Bubble is trying to say, is that a fine meal may very well be awaiting us within the rocky stronghold!

Laertes: Rocky stronghold… where have I heard that before? *flips through the Tome of Infinite Knowledge* Oh yes… OH NO! That is Telepylos, city of the cannibalistic giants known as the Laestrygonians!

Cancer Bubble: Laestragsodifghoindfkljgs?

Laertes: Laestrygonians! If we are to enter, we risk becoming a fine meal!

Cancer Bubble: Meh, nothing the great and mighty Cancer Bubble can’t handle! *runs up to the rocky stronghold* Now, I call upon the powers of Poseidon to grant us entry! TIDAL WAVE!

(The Chiron brothers stare in amazement as the crab summons a wave of water from the ground to tear through the rocky wall.)

Jason: Magnificent… with the power of Poseidon himself at our side, we have nothing to fear! Come, my brothers! We live for adventure, so explore this city of cannibals, we shall!

(They enter the stronghold… and find themselves in an outdoor labyrinth.)

Laertes: A labyrinth… much like the one our ancestors built to contain the dreaded Minotaur…

Bellerophon: Roast beef, on the other hand, is a feast worthy of the gods!

Heracles: But the Minotaur is half man… and I swore upon my lack of a shirt that I would never eat a human! Ever! Besides, I heard human isn’t very good.

???: We beg to differ…

(Everybody turns around to see the source of the voice… giant EM viruses! Gradually, they appear from every corner of the maze…)

Giant Metool: *licks lips* We eat you guys now, ‘k?

Chiron Brothers: IT’S THE LAESTRYGONIANS!

Cancer Bubble: ATAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK— *gets bit by the giant met* Ouchy!

Jason: Dare you disrespect the messenger of the gods?! *leaps into the air, clutching a shiny, golden backscratcher (no doubt stolen from Crown Thunder)*

Giant Metool: *catches Jason in its mouth...*

Jason: (inside the Met’s mouth) I shall not fall today! *tickles the roof of the met’s mouth so hard with the golden backscratcher, to the point where it is ultimately deleted!*

(The giant met vanishes, and Jason lands outside on his feet)

Jason: Yes. Return to the depths of Tartarus from whence you came, fell demon! *twirls his backscratcher around, and thrusts it forward*

Laertes: A-a little help, here!

(Each of Laertes’s arms are caught between the mouths of two more giant metools!)

Giant Met #1: MINE!

Giant Met #2: NO, MINE!

Giant Met #3: I say! Can’t we settle this in a civil manner?

(Giant Mets #1 and 2 are knocked back by two boomerang claws)

Cancer Bubble: Rescue crab, awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! Buku!

Laertes: *Now free, he throws many shiny Christmas tree ornaments at the two mets. The ornaments break into hundreds of jagged shards, which are then lodged into the viruses*

Bellerophon: (holding his shiny alarm clock over his head with both hands) I call upon the blessings of Chronos, god of time! *the alarm clock begins ringing blaringly loud*

Giant Mets: !! *startled by the loud noise, they freeze in place*

Heracles: *using his Herculean strength, he lifts one of the Giant Mets over his head, and with great force, tosses it into the other! He then finishes them off by whacking them both with an exceptionally shiny… um, pineapple coated in silver spray paint? Yeah, let’s go with that*

Giant Met #3: …Oh dear. What uncouth savages! We must inform the King at once!

(The remaining viruses run away)

Chiron Brothers: VICTORYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!

Cancer Bubble: Not bad, buku!

In a deeper part of the labyrinth, inside a cave…

Giant Met #3: I say, your majesty! A gaggle of bloodthirsty savages has broken into our peaceful home and deleted three of our own in a most positively barbaric fashion!

???: Meh, oh well. I was planning on feeding you wussy yellow, red and blue mets to the much less useless gray ones anyway.

Giant Met #3: M-mercy! I beg you reconsider, sire! Besides, something has to be done about these brutish ruffians! Th-they have Christmas tree ornament bombs, a sharpened backscratcher, some kind of… time freezing device, a… pet crab, and… and… A PINEAPPLE!!! A PINEAPPLE, I SAY!

Giant Met #4: Come on, a pineapple! Don’t they know that we are cannibals, and therefore, don’t eat pineapples? The NERVE!

Giant Met #5: “Don’t eat?” Understatement of the year, man! I’m deathly allergic to anything that is not people!

Giant Met #4: PRECISELY!

???: …Hold on. Did you say “crab?”

Giant Met #3: Why, yes, sire…

???: Mooahahahahaha. Let them come then! Gather your dinner utensils, my minions!

(Outside the cave)

*Another virus is deleted*

Cancer Bubble: (catching his boomerang claws) Bwahahahahahaha! Score another for the crab! *dances* Not much longer ‘till we reach our meal now, buku! My crabby senses say so!

Heracles: O Messenger, I just noticed that I have a pineap—

Cancer Bubble: Patience, young Heracles! My detective’s intuition tells me there is a meal inside… *points* that cave!

(On cue, a hoard of giant, gray metools swarm out of the cave…)

Giant Gray Mets: OM NOM NOM NOM.

Giant Gray Metool: *with its pickaxe, causes a mighty shockwave that trips Cancer and team*

Jason: By the stars… these demons are stronger than the— *is eaten by one of the mets*

Cancer and Chiron Bros: JASON!

Jason: (inside the metool) Worry yourselves not, for with a divine prayer, my backscratcher has been blessed by the Goddess Athena! Using its awesome might, I shall once again triumph over the—

(The backscratcher is sucked away and digested)

Jason: …erm… no loss! For I have pilfered many more divine items from the skeleton demon! Like… *reaches into hammer space, and pulls out a random shiny object* THIS DIVINE, SHINY… pair of fuzzy dice. Shoot. *tosses them away, and pulls out another shiny object* Well, no worries, for I still have this shiny… candy… wrapper… *begins being digested* NO! Athena, help me!

(Outside the Met)

Cancer Bubble: Don’t worry, Jason! It’s Cancer Bubble to the rescue, buku! *leaps at the met… but is swatted away by its pickaxe*

Laertes: (tossing shiny knives at the Mets… but to little effect) What foul witchcraft— *is knocked to the ground by a flying Cancer Bubble*

Bellerophon: (flipping through the air, over the mets, as he holds a shiny piggy bank filled with coins) I call upon Plutus, the god of wealth, to plague you all with nickel poisoning! *prepares to throw the piggy bank, but…*

Giant Gray Metool: *leaps up, smashing Bellerophon from below with its helmet! The piggy bank explodes, causing the acrobat to be pelted with coins and broken glass!*

Cancer Bubble: (firing bubbles all over) RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE! *the falling coins pop his bubbles* …DAMN IT! *fires more*

Giant Met: *prepares to bring down its axe on Cancer from behind*

Cancer Bubble: !!

Heracles: *shoves Cancer aside, and begins wrestling the met* R-run, crabby one!

Another Giant Met: *pins Cancer down*

Cancer Bubble: EEP. GET OFF, BUKU!

Giant Met: Nooooope. Not until the King arrives! Until then, watch us eat your friends! It’s going to be quite entertaining, watching us pull them apart to suck up their innards!

Yet Another Giant Met: Entertaining indeed! Who has the popcorn?!

Giant Met: We’re cannibals, you idiot! We only eat people!

The Other Giant Met: Oh…

Heracles: (thrown back by the Met he was wrestling) AAAAAH! *he drops his shiny spray painted pineapple on the ground*

Giant Mets: !! *they start coughing*

One Giant Met: I’m allergic to pineapples!

Another Giant Met: And I’m allergic to spray paint!

All Giant Mets: WHAT A LAME AND CONTRIVED PLOT DEVICE!

Avi the Author: But… but… it was the best I could come up with..! *cries*

And then, the fourth wall exploded into hundreds of jagged shards! The shards then struck the viruses, deleting them!

Jason: …By the divine will of the gods! *falls on his knees* We’ve been spared!

Cancer Bubble: Buku… those were stronger than your average viruses… but who cares?! Now is the time of a feast!

Cancer then cut up the shiny pineapple, and the whole team enjoyed a fine fruit dish. Surprisingly, they didn’t get sick and die from the spray paint… somehow… I blame the author for not thinking with her brain while writing this.

Avi the Author: *flips the narrator off, then leaves the epilogue*

Yes, run to your room and cut yourself while sulking in the depths of your own self-pity! Ahem. Anyway, those few little measly slices of pineapple SOMEHOW satisfied the Chiron brothers’ hunger, and thus, they prepared to leave the island, in hopes of stirring up mayhem “in the name of Poseidon.”

But then…

Heracles: MORE of them?!

Cancer Bubble: Aiiiiiiiieeee… well, buku… while the fourth wall is still in hundreds of pieces, I may as well tell y’all that this is how it works in the Star Force universe. Another random virus encounter for every few steps you take!

Bellerophon: And we’re underleveled compared to these giants!

(More and more giant, gray Metools start appearing)

Laertes: We’re still worn out from the last encounter… if only we hadn’t consumed that allergy-inducing pineapple, we could have taken these guys easily!

Another battle ensues. Cancer attacks with bubbles, tidal waves and his claws, while the Chiron brothers continue using their stolen shiny objects in combination with their own combat skills. While they manage to hold their own against the viruses, more and more begin to show up as they are quickly worn down…

Cancer Bubble: (gasping) There are too many of them… if only I had taken Crown Thunder with us… Crown Thunder… WAIT! That’s it! *strips off his clothes*

Cancer Bubble: CLIMB, BUKU!

Giant Mets: …

Cancer Bubble: …Naked crab looking at you? *sweat drop*

Giant Mets: …

Heracles: Yes, tremble in fear, demons! For the great messenger of Poseidon is finally free from the oppressive chains of the shirt!

Laertes: (looking up from his book) Indeed. With Cancer Bubble free from that extra weight, he should be able to fight, without restraints, to his full potential!

Cancer Bubble: Damn right! *flexes his muscles*

Giant Mets: … *they all pile on top of Cancer and the Chiron brothers, beating them up before finally pinning them all against the ground*

Giant Met: Alrighty, they can’t fight back any more. Let’s dig in, mates!

???: Hold it, minion!

Giant Met: Oh? Yes, your majesty… surely, we will save some for you!

Another Giant Met: In fact, you take the first bite, sire!

The viruses step aside, forming a passage for their king to walk through. And that he did, ever steadily approaching the viruses’ captive prey. As he comes into view, his shocking identity is revealed…

Chiron Brothers: IT’S THE MINOTAUR!

Cancer Bubble: Buku… that’s the Minotaur? Funny, he looks exactly like this guy named Joel I know.

“Minotaur”: Maybe that’s because I am Joel, barnacle brain?!

Cancer Bubble: Joel?! Oh, wow, buku, am I glad to see you here! Now, your crabby leader commands you to help us defeat these viruses!

Joel: Hahaha… no. These guys took me in and nursed be back to health after I washed up on this here island, before making me their king!

Cancer Bubble: Ooooh… good point. If I were to have a bunch of blind followers worshipping me at every turn, it’s not like I’d listen to old friends either, buku!

Joel: Friend? HA! Besides, I see you got yourself some new teammates now, not like you need the rest of us any more! So, that leaves me with one thing to do… *breathes fire on Cancer Bubble*

Cancer Bubble: OUCHY OUCHY OUCHY! *He attempts to squirm away from the Met holding him down, to no avail* HELP ME, BUKU!

Joel: Mooahahaha! Finally, I shall prepare that crab dinner I’ve been longing for all these months! There will be no stopping me this time… MWA HA HA! *He breathes even more fire…*

Alrighty. This looks like a good place to stop. Best to end the epilogue now before that good-for-nothing author writes something even MORE stupid, if you can imagine that. Nevertheless, tune in next time for the thrilling conclusion! There may even be some crab legs for you to try!

- To be continued -