Cosmos in...
Crab Noir
By Hunter_Chameleon (Crown Thunder)

Starring...

Dark streets. That's all I could see by my window. Dark streets and rain, and a little saxophone music in the background. The perfect mood for my story.
The name's Cancer Bubble, part-time alien invader bent on destroying Earth, part-time private eye. I'm on my other shift tonight.
The business is kinda slow. I suppose it'd be better if I put my office out of Blue Shift's base, but how would we keep our cover ? Truly, these thoughts don't matter much when you have Mr. Scotch to keep you company.

Finally, a customer arrived. She came to knock at my door. Timid girl alone, but she had her bodyguard. The big bad wolf and the red riding hood. Weirdest couple ever.
I picked my whiskey flask and took a good chug from it. If only someone could shoot down that damn saxophone...

"I need your help, Bubble", pleaded Elec. Most reasonable person of my Team, and I would feel awful not helping a damsel.
"What's the matter ?" I replied through a mist of burnt chocolate cigarette.
"We lost something important." growled Wolf. Unpleasant fella, but not as bad as the bull. "A box full of paints and brushes."
"And I'm working on an important sketch right now !" she pleaded. Damn girl stole my heart.
"Tell you what ; it's free for you. I'll begin the investigation as soon as I solve that music problem."

(As Elec and Wolf headed out, they muttered to each other :
"You think he noticed he's drinking apple juice ?"
"Better not tell him that.")

"Now you stop, critter." I spoke as I found the culprit for this music. He appeared out of my Transer. Some Navi with a saxophone on his torso, his body all black and brass.
"Don't blame me, Boss. I'm here for the atmosphere." he nearly whined.
"What's your name, kid ?"
"SaxoMan, Boss. Cuz I play saxophone." Which he proved by playing again.
I pondered a bit. Guy seemed annoying, but how could I properly investigate without the appropriate music ?
"You can stay, then. Just tone it down a bit."
"Royal, Boss !" And he went back to my Transer.
Now that the issue was solved, I could go and round up my usual suspects. Time to take some dust off my trenchcoat and fedora...

***

"Mooo ... that's just crazy. Why would I steal something that isn't edible ?"

I took the hard work first with the only pair that wanted to see me on a plate. How come a bull would try to eat shellfish, anyway ?

"I dunno, Taurus. Maybe your host's taste for pranks."

Joel took a sharp look at me, obviously offended. "Pranks are your business, crab."

"Maybe, but stealing pencils and paint ... quite childish, if I may say."
"He didn't do it !" bellowed the FM-ian. "He was working on stuff all day. I was there and there were cameras."
"Now, let's get back to the part about taste..." Joel replied with a sign of hunger in his tone.

Ah. The hard business. "This crab' not proper for comsuption. I smoke !" I yelled as I used my cigarette pack as a shield.
"Moo ... That's chocolate cigarettes."
"Gives quite a taste, I heard."
Now I was in hot water, so to speak. "I'm still your leader, you know !"
"So ? I smell some promotion, along with a dish of crab..."
"And who's gonna pay you, then ?"

Luckily, I hit a weakpoint. That is, until they remembered they weren't paid. This time, I used it to safely run away.

***

I'm actually surprised someone like Hunter works with Crown. They couldn't be more antithetic.

Proof in their reactions after my recap of Elec's story :

"Definitely unsufferable ! Say the word, and I will chase this felon to Pandémonium if needed !" Someone's been raised to be gallant, it seems. A nice break from his counterpart.
"Oooh ? Does it mean the girl needs some hugs ?" to which the FM-ian added a dirty laugh.

Hunter was repairing one of his guns as we were talking. He regularly switched his look between me and the various pieces of his weapons, taking extreme care in their manipulation.

"Sounds like a good reason for you to steal the stuff." I let out a mist of smoke, waiting for the realization to sink in. "Hunter, you done some ... "sleeping", recently ?"

There was small hint of panic in his look, which promptly disappeared. "I didn't merge a lot. But I'm certain I would've been informed of hijacks. Isn't it, Crown ?"

Last question had enough threat to make the dirty old alien shiver. "No, no ... well, except for some reading, anyway. But I promise I didn't steal any shiny !"
Hunter pondered this while tinkering with the hammer of his pistol, until he let out a favorable grunt. "It is settled, then. He did nothing. If you were kind enough to leave us, leader ? Some issues must be discussed between us."

Guy was nuts about keeping a clean room, if you see what I mean. Before I left, Hunter spoke up : "I will always be ready to help on this investigation, leader. Just say the word."

Good lad, you wouldn't like to let him down. Sadly, he didn't know enough of the streets to be of any help. "I'll keep that in mind."
As I left, the argument between Crown and Hunter followed me. I had another place to see now...

***

"Not a fat chance in hell, seafood."
"What she means is, we were nowhere around your base recently, so we couldn't know who did it, so ... yeah." A blow. "Ow !"

Two bodies for one mind. That, I could handle. But if the white one started hitting the black one, was it masochism, or violence between relatives ? Better : let Mr Whiskey handle this trouble.

"And what about Gemini ? Guy could be around when you're not merged."
"The problem is, we stay fused most of the time so ... yeah."
"And when we aren't, he's on a leash !"

Oookay. Sounded believable when the white one told it.

"Not gonna keep you busy any longer. The investigation carries on."
"Well, hum ... good luck, Cancer ... Ow !"
"You foolish ... pancake ! We're bad guys, and we don't wish good luck to detectives !"
"Even evil detectives ?"

While Avi and ... well, Avi debated the issue, I fled to another person.

***

Sometimes, I think I got the lucky draw concerning people in my Shift. Then, I remember Taurus. But still.

"A box of paintings has been stolen from Elec recently."
"..."
"And I'm certain it was done only by someone with access to the base."
"..."
"So, if you had any ideas on who did it, I'd greatly appreciate."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"... I hope your death involves a jar of mayonnaise and vegetables, crustacean."
"We'll be having none of that talk !" yelled Cygnus. "Martyr, just behave with a fellow Shift leader !"
"You're no leader." Martyr, the happy face of Red Shift.

While the two of them were arguing, I took out my special weapon for letting the guy talk. Which was quickly thrown at the odd couple.
Martyr caught the box of Oreos in a blur, and immediately took one of them out.
Good ; time for Part 2.

"I'll let you have this milk," I said as I picked the jug from my back, "only if you answer me."
"... We weren't there. Was with Cygnus all the time."
"That's true ! I was trying to teach this boy proper dressing !"
I ignored this. "Any idea on who it is ?"
"... Look closer to you." The discussion abruptly ended as he wrestled the milk from me at that point.
Still, I had some clues now. Not that I really got them, but still.

***

"So, why would I take on one of my teammates ? That reasoning is quite unbalanced !"

Scratch my comment about Taurus. At least he doesn't obsess with balance.

"I don't know. Maybe you wish to have an FM-ian unable to take merged shape in each Shift ?"
"How ridiculous ! And if Wolf goes like you ? The we'd have two host-less FM-ians against one. Now that is unbalanced ! And concerning the search of new hosts..."
Bla, bla, bla. With balance coming every two or so words. By Andromeda, is he paid by each iteration of the damn syllables ?

Luckily, Vok came to my help. Not that I understood why his mutter of "B" sent Libra to shivers, though. Seems like I don't wish to know.

"We were here all night, going around that favorite site of ours..." Libra was now apoplexic from fear.
"Which site ?"
"You know Rules 1 and 2 ?"
"Nope."
"Then you don't wanna know."

Once I had left, I heard a final sentence that sent a shiver down my spine :

"Libra, it's Goofy Time !"

You've never seen a crab run faster that day.

***

Last person to meet, and still no ideas. Who had done this ?

"The poor detective seems so out of luck. Why don't you stay with me, darling ?" The perfect femme fatale to my detective.
"I actually think YOU did it, Ophiuca."
"And why ? I'd never be able to stand Wolf's fury."
"Maybe, but if Wolf and Elec distrust each other after the theft, girl will end without FM-an. And your human isn't exactly the best of the lot. See the pattern ?"

We turned to see the shivering wreck near the desk, who was obviously doing his best to not stare at Ophiuca. Not that it touched me much.
People from my job have a tooth against lawyers : attorneys can go and convince you that Jack the Ripper was a pretty nice guy, and prosecutors would murder their mom if they could frame it on the defendant.

"Nice reasoning, but I was playing with the Jammers all last night."

Silver gulped hard and added, with great effort : "I was there, and have a deposition of it."

The Jammers. Nice alibi. "Now, if you wish to join us tonight..."
I looked at my Transer, looking for an excuse. "Sorry, but ..." Of course ! I immediately ran away.
"Tell Red Shift to join us at Joel's house ASAP ! I found the culprit !"

***

It wasn't every day we all were together. Only special occasions, like this one.

"Ladies and gents. As you all know, someone has stolen paints and brushes from Elec. Some of you had reasons, others not. But in the end, thanks to Martyr here, I finally found the culprit."
"Ol' Martyr finding a clue ? Ha ! He couldn't find his vocal chords if they weren't in his body !"
"Just because you don't have our style, Avi, doesn't mean you get to insult us !" Thanks, Cygnus. I mean it.

The argument carried on, with people from both Shifts, until Hunter finally asked : "Then who did this shameful act, leader ?"
"The answer's easy. in fact, he was with me the whole time !"

As on clue, Saxoman came out of my Transer, looking all pleading. "I ... I took it."
"Why ?"
"Because you've ... been mean to Keyman, and wanted to tell him something to cheer him up. Takin' on his persecutors ... now, that's a tale !"
That's all I needed to hear. "Wolf ? Elec ? He's yours."

Immediately, they fused, and Wolf Woods went for revenge on the musician Navi. I turned to our teammates and told : "Meeting's over, people."
In the end, they all left, not after taking some recordings of the scene.

Finally, a beaten-up Saxoman fled, shrieking "I'll get revenge on you all !" and Elec turned to me.
"Thanks, Aku."
"Tis all Martyr's work, ya know. Couldn't have found it without him."
"Yeah, but ... you're the detective." She left me with a kiss, and the feeling of a job well done.

Such, another investigation ended. I could now reward myself with whiskey, cigarettes and a saxophone-free night.

- The End -

EPILOGUE

Inside a Transer. A beaten up Navi was trying to repair himself, while sobbing metallic notes through a saxophone.

"You got beaten up ?" asked another Navi. Tall, mostly brown, and a key on his head.
"Yeah. But I thought you'd appreciate the gesture."
"I do. tell you what, I have an idea for Cosmos..."

The two went to discuss elsewhere. What they told to each other is their own secret.