Red Shift in...
Love Angel Libra
By Xima (Libra Scales)

Mature Content Warning: You're gonna want to hide the children for this one, buddies.

Starring...

Ah, Red Shift HQ. The place where, you guessed it, the Red Shift members search for ways to take over the world.

That is, when they’re not trying to beat each others’ faces off.
Like now, for instance.

Avi-W: DIE, YOU FREAKIN’ DUCK!

Martyr: *Fires off a barrage of spiny feathers at Avi-W*

Yes, you guessed it. Yet another day of “Beat the hell out of the other guy and take/keep the position of leader” between Avi and Martyr.

Libra: S-stop it, you two! This is highly unbalanced behavior! Cease and desist! Balance your thought processes! This will not d-*OWNED*

This would be around the time wherein he was smashed in the face by an incoming
Quacky Lackey, and sent flying through a multitude of walls, and directly into Vok’s room, his twitching face almost literally glued to Vok’s monitor. Or as Libra would put it,

Libra: AIIIIIIIIEEEERGH!

If that is even a word. Probably not.

Vok: Haa… Libra, how many times have I told you this now? “Don’t come in here if you value your mind.”

Libra: *On the floor, twitching, and making little whimpering noises* A.. buuu.. bwaaaarrgh…

Vok: Libraaaaa. I’m going to give you to the count of three. One. Two.

Libra: *leaps up* B-b-b-but! The unbalanced ones! They smashed me in here! Them and their unbalanced battling used my balanced self as a shield which then flew into your horrifyingly unbalanced room!

Vok: Three.

Words fail to describe what was shown to Libra then. Suffice to say, he ran screaming out of the room, and directly into Avi-W’s incoming baseball-bat-like strike of her lightning blade. Sending him flying out of the roof, through two more floors, into worlds unknown. Naturally, no one noticed.

*Meanwhile, back with the non-airborne members*

Vok: Right. You two punt him out?

Avi-W/Martyr: Yeah.

Vok: Right then. *Hands over a ten dollar bill to the two of them*

Avi-W: You know, you’re a pretty amazing douche, you know that?

Vok: Hee. Trust me. Seeing the little idiot scream like that is just too precious for words. Expect me to call on your services again soon.

*Meanwhile, back WITH our now non-airborne member*

Libra: AIEEEEEEEEEEEE! *Crashes into a dumpster*

Libra: Blggggggh…. *crawls out of the dumpster, out into the streets of Time Square (Not Times.)* Wha-? What kind of unbalanced place is this..?

Disembodied voice: I tell you, Nonoko-Chan, between saving the world, getting straight A’s and having Inooyawsha as my boyfriend, I barely have enough time to be a member of Ookahts-ki!

Libra: Wha-? Show yourself! Your lack of a body unbalances my mental state!

“Nonoko-Chan”: Oh, I know, right Kusabana-Chan? With Nawrootow being my boyfriend I barely have enough time to save the world!

Libra: SHOW YOURSELVES!

“Kusabana-Chan”: Yeah, I know. Having a boyfriend so totally eats up my time.

Libra: *A look of dazzled astonishment* Are—are you my guardian angels, here to uphold the balance of my sanity?

“Nonoko-Chan”: Like, totally, girlfrieeend. Now I totally need to leave everyone else I know and hang all over him and be a useless damsel in distress even though, at multiple points in time I’ve literally chopped dragons in half!

Libra: Thank you, guardian angels of balance! I will not forget your kindness in giving me this plan!

Libra then floats off, completely unaware that a TV in a nearby Radio Outhouse was saying all this.

TV: Next time, on “Supah Kawaii-Desu-Ka Nawrootow-Inooyawsha kuwossova!!!!11!1!^_^111,” Nonoko, for the MILLIONTH. FREAKING. TIME. GETS KIDNAPPED. Okay, seriously. I don’t care if it’s my job to say this shit. This is getting ridiculous. Why do those stupid Americans even watch this crap? No wonder they’re so stupid… Oh? I’m fired? Well, fuck you then! FUCK YOU AAAAAAAA-We’re sorry, we’re having technical difficulties. Please stand by.

Uhh… yeah. I don’t know either, man. Back to Libra?

Libra: *Slowly floating back to base along the EM roads, mumbling to himself* Love interests take up time… which would balance out the time which would normally be spent tormenting me… now how do I do that..?

Libra: *Still mumbling, he stumbles about the EM roads, not entirely sure where he was. Which would be when he ran into an enormous billboard, covered with ads. Strange ads.* What the balance is a magmalife..? Or a grown-up pal catcher?

Upon closer inspection, as it would seem, they were adult love-interest finding websites! What luck!

Libra: The gods of balance smile upon me! *attempts to take some of the E-flyers, and fails quite miserably. Because he has scales for hands.* Ehh! Ehh! Ehhhhhh! *Continues to hop pitifully, continuing to attempt to scrape off some of the flyers. And still failing, making pitiful little noises on the while.*

Kindly EM-creature: Umm… are you alright, bud?

Libra: *turns around, shocked, wiping at tears of frustration* Wha-? Uh, yes, yes. It is of no concern. My mental state is perfectly balanced at the moment.

Kindly EM-creature: Aww, it’s okay, little guy. You can tell me!

Libra:… I’mtryingtogetoneofthoseadssothatmypartnermayfindaloveinterestandassuchleavemealonetoinsteadspendtim
ewithsaidloveinterest.

Kindly EM-creature: … Would you like a lollypop?

Libra: … Just get me one of those ads.

Kindly EM-creature: *does so*

Libra: *holding the ad in his hand, he grins maliciously.* Hmhmhmhm… HMMHMMHMHMM… MWAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAH! WITH THIS, MY PLAN FOR COMPLETE BALANCE IS COMPLETE! AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!

Kindly EM-creature: … I’m… gonna… leave now… like, right now. KBYE *dashes off*

*Back with our douche-bag companions at Red Shift*

Vok: *shiver* I just got… a really nasty feeling.

Martyr: …. *nods*

Avi-W: Indeed. This is bizarre and unnatural. Let us kick puppies until it passes.

Vok: Yes, let’s.

Avi-B: But... but there aren't any puppies nearby...

Avi-W: *slaps Avi-B* Shaddap! We will find a puppy or puppy-like creature and we will KICK IT.

Vok: Yes, quite.

Cygnus: Oh, please. You won't find a dog 'round these parts. Why the closest thing you'd find would be my quacky... lackies... I shouldn't have said that, should I?

Gemini: No. No, you shouldn't have.

Avi-W: *slaps Gemini* Shaddap! Who said you could talk!? That's a week off your speaking privileges!

Gemini: *whimper*

Avi-W: *Pimp-slap* THAT MAKES TWO WEEKS.

Cygnus: *covertly tries to sneak away while Avi and Gemini were fighting*

Vok: *Grabs Cygnus by the neck* Ah, ah, ah, my sweet little bird. Don't bother running away. Because a duck is fine too.

Cygnus: *In a loud, squawky voice* SWAN!

Vok: Recently, a man in neo-Wisconsin was found in a basement covered in barbeque sauce. When he was caught by the police, he stated he was "hiding from the government." As it would turn out, it was Arrbee's sauce he was smothered with.

Martyr: That sauce is finger-lickin' good.

Avi-W: Don't blame that neo-US government.

Vok: Indeed. And I will baste this duck in it if he flees from me. Now start spouting lackies.

Cygnus: Please don't hurt me.

They do so. And they still got quacky lackies. Who squeak when you hit them.

Suddenly, the door smacks open, a strange shape outlined in the dark of the night! All prepare for battle, unsure what to expect.

Libra: … I have returned, you unbalanced horrors.

Avi-W: … Oh. And you went… where?

Avi-B: Um… yeah. I didn’t see you much today…

Libra: *Sound of his frayed sanity breaking* YOU SENT ME FLYING INTO THE CITY AND INTO A DUMPSTER YOU UNBALANCED MEANIES!

He then promptly ran into his own little room in the EM roads, most likely to sniffle pitifully.

OR SO THEY THINK.
For you see, despite the unbalanced horrors that lurked on Vok’s computer, it was not worth much, if he was already asleep! Moohahahahah! Because time had passed, somehow, and it was now in the unholy hours of the morning!

Libra: Alright… let’s see if I can sift through this unbalanced mess and find this… grown-up pal catcher… thing. Which will balance my bruise count. E-bruises. Z-bruises. Uhhh. Balance. *Dramatic typing and installing action!*

Some time passed as he created his grown-up pal catcher account, whilst being unendingly assaulted by unbalanced imagery! Hooraaaaay!

Libra: Hmm. To emulate the unbalanced state that is Ophiuca... would the name "Raging_Reptile" do?

And so, we enter Libra’s screen, getting hardcore, uncensored type-speak action! Hide the children!

laDz_man107: hey baby
Raging_Reptile: Greetings, laDz_man107. How are you?
laDz_man107: fine n u
Raging_Reptile: I am quite balanced, thank you.
laDz_man107: kewl
laDz_man107: I wanna eat you
Raging_Reptile: … I beg your pardon?
laDz_man107: I WANNA EAT U SO BAD MAN SRSLY O GOD
Raging_Reptile: ... But I am not edible.
laDz_man107: i dont care man
Raging_Reptile: …. I’m leaving now. Seek help to balance your mental state.
laDz_man107: YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT BABY
Raging_Reptile has left the room.

Back with Libra, who stared slack-jawed at the bizarre happening.

Libra: … That was so unbalanced, I can’t accurately describe it. I shall attempt again.

And so he did. He did. For hours. And hours. With no luck.

Libra: … WHYYYY?

He didn’t get it! Why were there only freaks with terribly bad names on these sites? He was sure that he had the stuff! He had to try something else.

Libra: … So be it, then. I shall look for some other way to win over the hearts of my team-mates. To Goggle!

And he searched the Goggle.

Libra: Hypnotism..? Genius! Truly balanced genius! I will make them go out and SEARCH FOR THEIR LOVE THEMSELVES. GOD I’M AWESOME.

Time passed… somehow. And it was now morning… somehow. And by some miracle, all of his team members were at the breakfast table, eating breakfast… somehow.

Libra: Hello, you unbalanced horrors.

Vok: *takes a bite of his toast* Goatse.

Libra: *Squeaks and turns around instinctively*

After a moment of cowering, and much laughing on the people seated at the table's
part, he turned around, clearly angry.

Libra: Curse you, you unbalanced monstrosity! Stop doing that! It unbalances me horribly!

Vok: *takes another bite of his toast* Fem-goatse.

Libra promptly squeals and runs back into Vok’s room. After catching his breath, er, E-breath. Z-breath.

Libra: Balance.

Shut up. Also, you aren’t supposed to break the fourth wall. Back into your cage.

Libra: That was too close… this may not work. Hypnotism… is too dangerous.

He sat and pondered for a long time, unsure what to do now.
Suddenly, in a miraculous fit of deus ex machine, he noticed a personals section of the paper!

Libra: A personals section… *runs to the computer, and opens Macrosoft Word* Time to begin with the most troublesome of them all…

And so he typed up a personal ad for Vok.

"If you know what goatse is, go to this address."

That was all he wrote. And now, to wait for it to show up in the next morning’s paper.

And so, he walked back out, ears firmly plugged, directly into Vok's transer's screen which was shoved into his face.

Clearly, it's not rocket science what happened next.

Vok: Heehee. The cries of the horrifyingly scarred always fill me with glee.

Avi-B: Umm... don't you think that was uncalled for, though, Vok?

Vok: No. Not at all.

Avi-B: But--

Vok: Don't question me, woman. Otherwise I will make sure you rue the day you ever challenged me. The Earth will shatter, and from its broken, hollow remains, will I crawl out, a superior being, one of my six mouths singing the song to end the universe.

Martyr: ... *Dunks his Oreo*

Cygnus: ... Eek.

Gemini: *bound and gagged, staring bug-eyed*

Avi-B: ... Gotcha.

Time passed. Somehow. And it was tomorrow. And there was a knock on the door. HOLY SNAP.

Avi-W: Who the hell’s gonna be here of all places? This place is supposed to be abandoned!

Martyr: ... This place is still in a major residential area. The chances of door to door salesman is high.

Vok: I’ll get it. And then probably kill it.

Avi-W: I hear ya. I hate door to door salesmen.

Avi-B: Almost as much as I hate telemarketers.

The whole room: ... O_o

Avi-B: ... what?

Vok: It is the end times. I'd best get my kicks while I can. *Readies his ho-beatin' fist*

Vok opens the door, and stares slack-jawed, for a long, long moment at who stood in front of him.

???: Hi, this is ___, right? I saw your entry in the paper, you goatse-cancer stick.

Vok: Ahh… gah… TITS OR GTFO.

???: No U.

Vok: WE MUST BE WED. NOW.

???: I’m a man.

Vok: THAT WORKS TOO. STATE YOUR NAME.

???: Bridget.

Vok promptly fainted, with the most stupid grin on his face as he was dragged into his room.

Libra promptly fled into a closet, a stupid grin of his own firmly in place.

Libra: It… it worked! The plan was so unbalanced, I was so sure that it wouldn’t work… but it did! My most unbalanced enemy has fallen prey to the wiles of the… same gender. How unbalanced. But no matter. But for the sake of balance, I’d best stay my distance, lest I spend more of my own pocket change…

Meanwhile, with the others...

Avi-W: Uhh... did some strange, homosexual crossdresser come in here and abduct our Libra human?

Cygnus: ... I rather think that did indeed just happen.

Avi-B: ... I'm so confused...

Avi-W: *slaps Avi-B* Shaddap! You've already defied the laws of the universe by saying you hate something, you useless wuss!

Gemini: Yeah, yeah! You're too meek to say jack about that kind of thing!

Avi-W: *Pimp-slap* You just don't learn, do you, Gemini?

Gemini: Mercy...

Avi-W: Believe me, this always hurts you a lot more than it does me.

Suddenly, Vok and Bridget burst out of the bedroom, doing... something.

And so, Libra waited about… 10 minutes, and went back to see how they were doing.

Libra: *peeking out of a crack in the door*

Vok: TAKE IT ALL YOU WHOOOOORE!

Bridget: YEEEESSS, FILL ME WITH YOUR MAN-BUTTER, YOU MANLY MAN!

Avi-W: OH GOD NO!

Cygnus: PLEASE KILL MEEEEE!

Avi-B: *on the floor, unconscious*

Slowly, very slowly, Libra closed the door, smiling maliciously. Now they understood his pain. Oh, yes they did. They would cease their tormenting now. They’d have to.

Several hours passed, and Vok and Bridget left… somewhere. Probably some sort of basement. Where they abducted children. And covered them in barbeque sauce and put them in people’s basements. And make baby fireworks.

Vok/Bridget: Hee. Pshoom… waah!

Vok: God you’re awesome.

Bridget: You, sir, are the reason why I have not destroyed the world.

Vok: Awesome.

And back with the others, Libra waltzes up to their shivering, horrified forms, huddled in the corner.

Libra: So, do you understand what I have to go through every day, now, you unbalanced pains?

Avi-W: The… the… no, man. No.

Libra: Good. So you understand.

Martyr: … I need a hug…

Libra: Hee hee hee… fools. *floats back off to his room*

When Libra was safely out of the room, Avi-W pushed herself up, turning to her scarred, terrified team-mates.

Avi-W: So, all in favor of getting back at the little freak for printing that ad?

Many hands raised.

There would be blood. E-blood. Z-blood.

Libra: Balance.

Shut up, you.

And Ophiuca floated into the room. Hey, wait, the epilogue was supposed to be over!?

Ophiuca: Hello, you wastes of flesh. What did I miss?

Everyone: We'll show you.

Ophiuca never regretted that the base needed a camera system so much in her entire life.

- The End -