Red Shift in...
Happy Xmas (War Has Begun) --PART 1--
By Avi (Gemini Spark)

Starring...

Another day at the local courthouse…

Silver: …thus proving the defendant, Mr. Innoh Sent, by all accounts, guilty in the murder of his grandmother, Mrs. Dolores Sent. I rest my case.

Innoh Sent: LIES! What the hell’s all this about me poisoning the eggnog, man?! YOU MISERABLE FRAUD! I KNOW WHAT I SAW! MY GRANDMA WAS TRAMPLED BY A REINDEER RIGHT BEFORE MY VERY EYES!!!

Judge: *bangs gavel* ORDER! ORDER! What does the jury have to say?

(There is much shouting and yelling amongst the jury.)

Silver: More or less, they are saying, “he’s an inhuman monster, kill him, kill him with fire,” etceteras.

Judge: The jury has spoken! I hereby declare the defendant, Mr. Sent, GUILTY!

And thus, another innocent paid the ultimate penalty, thanks to the shady meddling of one Prosecutor Silver Bidan. Just another day in the life of everybody’s favorite villainously corrupt attorney!

Silver: *walking back to Red Shift’s SUPER SECRET BASE, bearing a fiendishly smug grin while clutching a huge wad of cash*

Homeless Man: *jumps out in front of Silver* CHANGE?! YA GOT CHANGE?! AW COME ON HELP A GUY OUT WILL YA, COME ON, CHANGE!

Silver: Get your own damn change. *keeps walking*

Homeless Man: But… but… IT’S XMAS!!

Silver: Bah, humbug! It’s October, you— *he looks ahead, and sees a massively over-the-top, gaudy-looking Christmas display surrounding the house in front of him* …?!

Inside that very house…

Avi-B: *decorating the windows, while singing* Deck the halls with— *slapped by Avi-W*

Avi-W: Quiet, you can’t sing! This is how it’s done: dEeCk ZEe hALls wIF bALlS oV’ HolLyyyY FA LA RA ROO RAAAR RO RAWWWWR~

Gemini: (Please… for the love of Mu, MAKE IT STOP!)

Ophiuca: *also decorating* I am not familiar with the earthling holiday of Xmas. What, might I ask, is the purpose of all this?

Avi-W: Ahhh… Xmas. To some, it is a time of free presents. But to others, it is the unbearable stress imposed upon them by the pressure of having to shop for said presents to give to the former… mwhehehehe. That leads us to our next evil plan!

Avi-B: Um… yeah, we are going to find a way to make Xmas come every day, rather than once a year…

Ophiuca: Mm, right… so, you believe you’ll be able to force everybody on earth to the point of insanity by having them shop for presents every night?

Avi-W: That’s the plan!

Vok: *walking in with Libra and a reindeer* There, I’m all finished cleaning the granny guts off of Dasher’s hooves. My, it was delicious.

Libra: M-MOVING ON. So what sort of unbalanced scheme have you concocted this time, Avi?

Avi-B: We’ll go over the plan once Silver gets here—

Silver: *barging into the room* Explain the decorations. Now.

Ophiuca: Well, Silver, Avi has forced us all to decorate the base for something called “Xmas,” for our next scheme, which she hasn’t quite fully explained yet…

Silver: *backs away* I-I DIDN’T ASK FOR YOUR INPUT, DISGUSTING SERPENT. A-Away with you…!

Gemini: Well, Silver, Avi has forced us all to decorate the base for something called “Xmas,” for our next scheme, which she hasn’t quite fully explained yet…

Silver: I… see. It had better be worth my time.

Avi-W: Oh, it is, boy. As I was telling your snakey friend, I have come up with a foolproof plan to make Christmas come every day… therefore, driving everybody mad to the point of suicide! Or at the very least, to exhaustion… allowing us to take the world for ourselves! How will we accomplish this, you ask?

Avi-B: …By taking Santa’s place, of course.

Vok: Lady. Santa only comes on Christmas night… more than two months away, in other words.

Avi-B: Yeah, but… can he resist all the milk and cookies we put out for him? *points to a table holding up a huge pile of Oreos, surrounded by many glasses of milk*

Avi-W: And don’t worry about Marty McGraham Crackers exacting his vengeance upon us or anything for stealing all of those. Heh heh heh… we locked him up in his room!

Avi-B: So, for your sake and his, you might not want to disturb him…

Avi-W: He’ll probably blow himself up with all those F-bombs he’s tossing around in there anyway.

Silver: …So, do you have any evidence proving Santa’s existence? No? Didn’t think so. *begins walking to his room… but sees the oh-so-terrifying Ophiuca by his door, therefore aborting that plan*

Avi-W: Just you wait. He’ll come. SO ANYWAY! The Christmas tree we ordered from Blue Shift should be arriving any minute now!

Sure enough, the doorbell was quick to ring, and the twins were quick to answer.

Hunter: *standing at the doorstep* I am here at the request of my liege, Lord Cancer Bubble. How may I be of assistance, Lady Avi, and… Lady Avi?

Avi-B: Oh hi, Lord Hunter! *shakes Hunter’s hand* You must be the tree… yeah?

Hunter: Milady, I’m… not sure I follow?

Avi-W: The crab didn’t explain things? Okay, so, see that corner over there? *points* Turn into Crown Thunder, and just… stand there!

Hunter: Um… *glares at Avi-W for a moment* …understood. As this is a request from the royalty, I would humbly oblige, or something… I guess. Whatever.

Hunter Wave Changes into Crown Thunder, enters the house, and does as instructed.

Hunter: *mumbles something in French*

Vok: Oh, why the hell not. I’ll get the decorations!

Libra: We are going to decorate… him? If you insist, but only if the ornaments are perfectly symmetrical to one another on either side! And the monocle must go; for that does nothing for the overall balance of the piece… unless we were to add another one, hmmmm…

Hunter: Don’t you lowly peasants even so much as think about sticking your grimy mitts in the personal space of Lord Mathias De Caméléon… trusted advisor of the Shift royalty!

Avi-B: Yeah, he appears decorated enough in that form anyway…

Gemini: (Whoa whoa whoa, hold on. Didn’t we already do this stupid Crown Thunder/Christmas tree joke back in the prologue?)

Avi-W: Well, that horse isn’t quite dead yet! We must beat it some more!

Avi-B: Um… figuratively speaking, of course. Yeah, because we actually love horses…

Avi-W: Oh yes… which will make tonight’s vengeance all the sweeter. That’ll teach you for not getting us the pony we’ve always asked for, Santa!

Vok: The granny-stomping reindeer we have is like a pony, though…

Avi-W: NOT THE SAME THING. WE’RE KILLING SANTA AND TAKING HIS PLACE. END OF DISCUSSION.

Silver: Have fun killing your imaginary friend.

Vok: Dude. In these types of stories, there is always some pitiful skeptic who insists that Santa isn’t real, only to be inevitably proven wrong in the end. Give it up and save us all some trouble.

Silver: I’m a lawyer. I require conclusive evidence.

Ophiuca: But being the kind of lawyer you are, you could just make up some false evidence proving his existence and call it a day—

Silver: D-DON’T TALK TO ME YOU FILTHY S-S-SNAKE.

Ophiuca: I’m not even a snake. I’m a snake charmer… *sighs*

Avi-W: Okaaaaaaaay, so we have our tree, our decorations, our milk and cookies… perfect. Okay! Now listen up, you garbage disposal units! We shall turn into bed early, for Santa Claus comes tonight! I will have the henchmen and the tree stand watch while we sleep.

Silver: We have henchmen?

Jammer: Yeah, hi… nobody ever notices us because we’re… “not important enough…” And we kind of blend in with our surroundings, I guess.

Avi-W: Quiet, you! Your job is being the coat rack, and do coat racks speak? NO!

Hunter: Learn your place in the system, serf.

Avi-W: Yes, listen to the tree! So, anyway. Our minions – the coat rack, the table, the couch, the closet, the clock, and the ceiling fan – you six are to remain in camouflage as your designated appliances and/or furnishings until Santa arrives!

Avi-B: At which point, the table will wake the rest of us, while the tree acts as the main line of defense against Santa’s magical powers.

Avi-W: And you, the closet! Let Graham Crackers out of his room if need be. The rest of you henchmen, cover the tree. That should bide some time until we are up and ready to cap ‘em off.

Avi-B: Any questions…?

“The Ceiling Fan”: Yes. Can you please get me down from here? I don’t think I can fight very well hanging from a rope attached to the ceiling…

Avi-W: And ruin your disguise? NO! Now stick your arms back out, and continue spinning around like you’re supposed to!

Avi-B: Okay, I guess we’re good to go…

Hunter: …Well… no disrespect intended, milady, but standing here, pretending to be a tree… it’s rather boring, and…

Avi-W: Don’t be silly. Trees never get bored! GOOD NIGHT EVERYBODY!

Later that night…

Hunter: *bored to sleep*

Crown: (Heh heh, you asleep? Good, good… no Santa Claus could possibly be coming tonight, so what say you to a night out on the town?) *with Hunter out for the night, he takes control of the Crown Thunder body*

Crown Thunder: Kekekekekeke! Forget these losers. With you on a leash, Hunty, and with no Blue Shift to hold us back, we can go to all the sleazy bars we want! YIPEEEEEEE~ *runs out of the house*

“The Table”: …

“The Couch”: Dude… the tree gone and ditched us. We’re screwed, aren’t we?

“The Clock”: Don’t be silly, couch. Santa would never visit at this time of year! It’s all just another one of Mistress Avi’s delusions.

“The Couch”: But… dude! She said Santa has magical powers… I mean, if he can visit every single home in the world in the span of one night, who knows what else he is capable of!

“The Ceiling Fan”: And let’s not forget “he sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake… he knows if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake!”

“The Couch”: Yeeeeeeeeep, we’re doomed.

(A “thump” is heard in the fireplace)

“The Closet”: …I have lived my life the way I wanted – concealing our masters’ clothes, sexual preferences, and old game systems from the harsh discrimination of the outside world – I may die without any regrets.

“The Coat Rack”: What’s all this about dying? I mean, Santa’s supposed to be a pretty jolly guy, so—

Santa Claus: *slams “the table” to the ground, causing the jammer to drop all the Oreos and glasses of milk he was holding up*

Jammers: !!!

Santa Claus: *he literally inhales all of the Oreos, before getting down on the floor and licking up the spilt milk*

“The Table”: *getting back up* M-Must wake the others! *runs*

Santa extends one hand, causing “The Table” to EXPLODE. The resulting blast blew the door clean off Martyr’s room – just as the remaining Jammers ran, no sooner did the oreo-starved swan burst out, foaming at the mouth!

Martyr: *sees Santa licking Oreo crumbs off the floor* …KILL. *spins like a buzz saw, straight into Santa!*

Santa Claus: *glares at Cygnus Wing, causing him to be FROZEN SOLID*

(The rest of the team arrives)

Vok: *also frozen solid before he can say or do anything*

Santa Claus: Ho ho ho… *glares at Avi-W*

Ophiuca: (No..! Come on, Silver, if we take just a second to think, we might have a chance to--)

Silver: *to Santa* Look, could you freeze me next? Please, before this stupid snake tries to fuse with me!

Avi-W: *frozen*

Santa Claus: *shrugs, and freezes Silver and Ophiuca*

Avi-B: !!

Santa Claus: Ho ho ho, what a naughty bunch of rascals. *smiles cheerfully, with a hearty laugh*

Avi-B: But… but… Santa…?

Santa Claus: How did I defeat your team so effortlessly? Ho ho ho, you silly little girl. *pats Avi-B on the black* I’m Santa Claus, dear. If I can visit every single house in the ENTIRE WORLD in ONE NIGHT, oh-so-carefully placing presents under the tree in the span of a few measly hours on a flying sleigh… what can’t I do? *laughs*

Avi-B: Heh, point…

Santa Claus: …Oh yeah, Avi Black. Even though the holidays are still a way’s off, I nonetheless have a present for you. *reaches into his sack of goodies*

Avi-B: R-really?

Santa Claus: Hold out your hands… *places something in Avi-B’s palms*

Avi-B: *looking to see her gift* …it… it’s beautiful! Oh my… such splendor… it even matches the color of my outfit! Thank you, Santa Claus. THANK YOU! I-I shall treasure it always…

Santa Claus: That’s a lump of coal, darling. It’s what I give to children who have been very, very naughty… yet not quite naughty enough to be frozen and taken captive at the North Pole.

Avi-B: Okay… I see… but I still find it pretty! *holds the lump of coal close to her bosom*

Santa Claus: Ho ho ho! A merry early Xmas to you!

Santa raises an arm, causing all of the frozen Red Shift members to levitate in the air – in but a split second, they, along with Father Christmas himself, had vanished into thin air.

Avi-B: W-wait! … *looks around*

…

Avi-B: Gemini?

…

Avi-B: …Other me?

…

Avi-B: Yeah… they have to be unconscious, if my mental link can’t reach them… *plops down on a sofa* So… lonely.

Time began to pass, as one half of Gemini Spark, sprawled out on the sofa, stared at the holiday lights that had adorned the base’s interior. It was a rather mesmerizing sight indeed, and yet… things didn’t feel quite right without everybody else.

Avi-B: At least I still have my most-likely-imaginary friend, the Narrator…

…

Avi-B: …aww, I jinxed it! …Yeah… it sure is strange without my other half chewing me out, or without Gemini’s complaining… or Vok’s creepiness, Martyr’s disturbing silence, Silver’s well-covered-up lies… Xmas should be a time of togetherness!

…

Avi-B: …yeah… and yet… I’m… free… free from them. I could potentially put this villainous lifestyle behind me…

“The Sofa”: Thatta girl. It’s high time you chose your own path in life!

Avi-B: *gets up off the sofa* D-DID THE COUCH JUST TALK?!

“The Stove”: You and you assigned us henchmen to be the house fixtures since we had no use otherwise, remember? Now come on, Mistress Avi, how ‘bout we bake some cookies?

Avi-B: *putting on a coat* THE FIXTURES ARE WATCHING ME. I DON’T FEEL SAFE HERE ANYMORE! *runs out the door*

Time Passes. Avi-B soon finds herself sitting on a bench at Vista Point, the local stargazing spot.

Avi-B: Such a beautiful Christmas night… look at the snowflakes falling…

(They are actually autumn leaves.)

Avi-B: Red, yellow, and orange… yeah… the snow sure looks different than it used to. It can’t be the holiday lights reflecting off it… the hue is too deep. Maybe EM radiation is the cause… or perhaps I’m steadily declining into insanity. Yeah… *sighs* …having one’s mind split into two bodies sure takes its toll on the psyche.

Crown Thunder: *an arm around Avi-B* Don’t feel so down, babeh. Why don’t you just forget about your troubles, and soar away with me…

Avi-B: OH! …um… d-didn’t know you were here, Lord Hunter! You startled me!

Crown Thunder: Hunter? Oh, it’s way past his bedtime. As of now, the night belongs to CROWN! Kukukukukuku…

Hooker: Who’s th’ kid, Crownie? *hic* Friend o’ yours?

Avi-B: Oh, hello… *shakes hands with Crown’s drunken hooker* yeah, I’m Avi – half of Avi, anyway – um, yeah. I know Crown…

Crown Thunder: Hehehe, Avster, I see you’ve met, um… well, I never bothered to learn her name, that’s not important – but I found her in this raunchy bar just down the street. You know, when we destroy the planet, we should leave that intact, at least. Goooooooooooood stuff, them earth bars.

Avi-B: Well, um… unlike the other me, I can’t say I actually want to destroy the earth, even if it was very cruel to me and me growing up…

Hooker: Where migh’ th’ other you be at anyways, sugar?

Avi-B: At the North Pole, apparently…

Hooker: Awww, I’d like t’ meet ‘er. *hic* Whereabouts in th’ North Pole?

Avi-B: I… don’t know. I might have a better idea when I – err, when she wakes up… you see, Santa literally knocked her out cold. Heh… that was a terrible pun, sorry…

Hooker: Izzat so? Well, I was jus’ about t’ ask Crownie ta take me back ta his place so we can get… naaaaaaughty together…

Avi-B: …haha? Heh… well, be careful, Santa’s watching you… Yeah, but I’d like to go to Blue Shift base too, just for some company…

Crown Thunder: Oh, no no no. They don’t approve of my fiendish ways, ya see. Let’s just rent or steal a motel room for a night…

Hooker: Yuck. I hate motel rooms! I ‘ad my heart set on your place, Crownie babe…

Crown Thunder: Baby… you know that hot wolf chick I was telling you about? She holds my elemental weakness, you see. She also doesn’t like it when I bring other women into the house… see, she wants the THUNDAAAAA all to herself. And she’ll make quite sure NOBODY lays a finger on her Crownie-poo…

Hooker: Well… just… who cares! Take me to your house!

Crown Thunder: But—

Hooker: Look, do you want me to pleasure you or not? If so, take me to your house. Come on, nice and easy…

Avi-B: Um… yeah, weren’t you talking drunk a second ago?

Hooker: !! …erm, I guess I sobered up. So, come on, Crownie, *leans against his shoulder, and begins stroking his chin* please? Would you take pity on this poor girl and take her to your cozy little home?

Crown Thunder: …If you want cozy, I think I could steal my way into that five-star hotel just on the edge of town, kekekeke—

Hooker: I said your house.

Avi-B: Well… the hotel might be cozier… say! Why are you so intent on getting into Blue Shift’s super secret base anyway…?

Hooker: …erm… *punches Crown’s head clean off his body!*

Crown’s Head: *rolls along the road* Heh… is this your way of telling me that you lo-- *is hit by a car, causing the head to fly off into the distance*

Crown’s Body: Hey, I need that! *chases after his head*

The woman pushes a button on her transer – evidently, the stripper look was but a disguise generated by solid EM waves. She showed her true form as a Satella officer, looking 99% less trashy!

Officer #7: *aims her weapon at crown’s running body, and fires*

Crown’s Body: *is thrown to the ground* OUCHIES!

Officer #7: One more, and… *prepares to fire, but is subsequently stunned by an electrical attack from behind*

Crown’s Body: *slowly gets up, and continues chasing after his rolling head*

Officer #7: No… he got away… DRAT! Captain Berenice, I…

Avi-B: *golden hand crackling with electricity* I-I’m sorry about that, ma’am! Yeah… I meant to give up evil, but he’s my friend, and… and… I didn’t mean to hurt you…

Officer #7: *points her weapon at Avi-B*

Avi-B: *hands in the air* …I… surrender. Yeah… I’ll come quietly…

Officer #7: Then pulse out.

Avi-B: You mean… return to human form? I would, but… it’s complicated with me, since I’m actually half of one person… and considering the other half still might be trapped in ice, and several hundred miles away at that… I um… yeah… I’m afraid something bad would happen to me if I tried…

Officer #7: You don’t know until you try. Just do it!

Berenice: Easy, kid.

Officer #7: C-Captain! *salutes* My apologies, ma’am – I’ve failed to locate Blue Shift’s headquarters… Crown Thunder has escaped. I’m ready to accept any discipline.

Berenice: Don’t be so hard on yourself, babe! So we’ve ended up with a different objective than intended. *motions to Avi-B* There’s no shame in that! If there’s anything to be ashamed of, officer, it’s your hair – I know it’s been a tough mission, but that’s no excuse having it in such a raggedy mess!

Officer #7: S-sorry ma’am! *begins to comb it* I think the EM Cloaker may have done it – not making up excuses, mind you; just an observation.

Berenice: Well, seeing as how it’s still prototype, I’ll let your mess slide… this time. You better be more careful next time… or else! *turns to Avi-B* As for YOU… you didn’t learn from last time, did you?

Avi-B: Are you talking about my compulsive evildoing, or my undesirable upkeep of my hair?

Berenice: Both, actually. So, little miss half of Gemini Spark, you no doubt remember what happened the last time you and I met. Will you come quietly?

Avi-B: Yes… I am at your mercy, Captain…

Early next morning, at the station…

Avi-B: Yeah, could you please keep narrating, voice in my head? It’s getting lonely in this holding cell…

…

Avi-B: Oh, poopie.

Gemini: (Complain, complain, complain.)

Avi-B: G-Gem? You’re awake?

Gemini: (Duh. You think you have it hard? Well look at what the rest of us are going through! I should be sitting on the throne of the universe, but nooooooooo… here I am, reduced to THIS…)

Avi-B: What… what’s happening… ah!

As the two halves of Gemini Spark are connected via a telepathic link, either one can see, hear, feel and know what the other one is up to. Avi-B finds her other self, along with the rest of Red Shift, in Santa’s toy factory, slaving away as “honorary elves…”

Santa Claus: Ho ho ho! Come now, Silver. You managed to stuff one toy snake full of beans, you can do 49,999 more!

Silver: *looking away from the toy he is stuffing* Damn… you… to… hell…

Vok: *hammering away at a rocking horse* Hey, chill. It’s not so bad when you use a little EE-MAJ-IN-EY-SHUN. Pretend the snake is some random celebrity you hate. Pretend the beans are spiked land mines. Coated in ACID.

Silver: So, in other words, touching the acidic, spiked, exploding beans would probably cause me to lose my hands. Real, real smart! *goes to stick the beans in, only for his hand to tremble, losing a number of them all over the floor*

Santa Claus: Oh dear, Silver’s gone and made a mess. Oh Libra, would you be a good little boy and clean up for him?

Libra: I have scales for hands. SCALES FOR HANDS. Do you honestly believe I am capable of sweeping those tiny pieces off the floor with these? First you assign Silver to a job that brings out his phobia, and now this? You need to better balance the tasks according to your workers’ strengths and weaknesses!

Santa Claus: No… I don’t. HO HO HO!!!

Martyr: … *knitting a pair of mittens*

Avi-W: Hey Santa! If you’re oh-so-mighty and powerful, why don’t you just snap your fingers and create a whole surplus of toys from thin air?

Gemini: Because he’s a… *accidentally breaks the toy soldier he was painting* BIG BAD POOPIE HEAD. *sobs*

Ophiuca: Actually, one would assume this is strictly our punishment for being “naughty.”

Santa Claus: Well, that is one reason. And while I am all-powerful, I must confess… in order to make my trip on Christmas Eve, I must rest for the next few months in order to replenish my energy. Doing the things I’d do, you’d better believe I need that much sleep! Ho ho… for that reason, I’m counting on you elves to get the toys ready for when I wake up.

Libra: Are you serious? If you were counting on US to make every last toy, you’d learn to balance our constructive roles so that we would operate at peak efficiency—

Santa Claus: Did I mention you naughty little children won’t be sleeping? Ho ho ho, you’ll have more than enough time this way. Those little green caps I put on each of you… not only do they prevent you from Wave Changing and using your powers, but you also won’t get tired when wearing them! Ho ho ho…

Cygnus: *attempting to remove his elf hat* Urrrgh… if you had to force a non-removable slave crown onto me, couldn’t you have at least given me a better color?

Martyr: … *still quietly knitting mittens*

Santa Claus: Now that I’m talking about sleep… I may as well hit the sack. I’m putting Elfy McElfElf in charge of running the factory while I’m resting up for the big night. Don’t wake me ‘till then… ho ho ho! *vanishes*

Martyr: … … *goes back to knitting mittens*

Elfy McElfElf: SO ANYWAY!! Keep on working on those toys, boys! And girl! And whatever Avi is!

Avi-W: Mwahahahaha. I transcend your silly little genders! *Begins dressing a Ken doll in Barbie’s clothes*

Vok: Hawt.

Elfy McElfElf: Keep up the good work, guys! I’ll be inspecting the other end of the factory. Be back in a sec! *leaves*

Martyr: *knits more mittens* …

Avi-W: So we’re alone now. Hmm, hmm, hmm!! Soooooo… has anybody here seen “Toy Story?”

Silver: And what might you be getting at this time?

Avi-W: You know how the toys come to life when they’re left alone? Well… I say we abandon the rocking horses, bean bag snakes, mittens and what have you, and create our own toys.

Gemini: Boooo. That won’t get us anywhere… *is slapped by Avi-W*

Avi-W: Let me finish, screwdriver! Just… with all the resources here, imagine all the toys we could make – Libra Scales action dolls with small parts that children can choke on! King Ophiuca figures with lead-poisoned paint! A talking Martyr doll who only says “…”, forcing parents who believe it’s broken to break away from their busy schedules in order to go through the hassle of returning it for a working one! And when they find out that that one is broken too… MWEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!!

Vok: I’d say you are cracked, but let’s not be like poor old Captain Obvious… that miserable fool. Besides, what does any of this have to do with Toy Story?

Avi-W: I’m glad you asked! Once we complete our killer toys… we’ll tell them, “IF YOU DON’T GET OUT OF HERE AND GO ON A KILLING RAMPAGE, WE’LL THROW YOU IN THE INCINERATOR! AND DON’T PRETEND YOU’RE INANIMATE, WE KNOW YOU’RE SENTIENT. WE KNOW AAAAAALL YOUR SECRETS… OOoooooOOOooooOOoooo!” Then, we leave the room for about an hour. They should be scrambling out the door by then… heh heh heh…

Ophiuca: You make less and less sense every day.

Cygnus: Why is she the leader again?

Avi-W: Do I see any of YOU coming up with crackpot schemes? Look, unlike you wooden mallets, at least I’m trying to be evil! Now if you don’t mind, I’mma get to work on a killer nutcracker in my likeness. *does so*

Vok: You know, even though a toy will never come to life, what the hell. For the sake of amusement, I’ll make an iron maiden disguised as Libra Scales or something.

Elfy McElfElf: *returning* Did somebody say that a toy will never come to life? I beg to differ, my friends!

Ophiuca: Oh. Really?

Elfy McElfElf: Really really! Just sprinkle some Pixar Dust on a toy, and… voila!

Cygnus: Pixie Dust?

Elfy McElfElf: No, Pixar Dust! It can bring toys and other inanimate objects to life, just like that – observe! *pulls out a small brown satchel and a teaspoon. He reaches the spoon into the satchel, drawing out a sparkling dust. He sprinkles it on a nearby lamp*

Lamp: …*begins to hop around*

(A collective “OOOOOH” is heard.)

Lamp: *begins stomping on Gemini*

Gemini: OW! Wh-what did I ever— *flattened*

Lamp: *stands on top of the Gemini pancake, then turns its bulb to the group, as if to gaze at them*

Avi-W: Mwehehehehe… PERFECT! You must give the dust to me! I’m sure I could… make a lot of little children happy. Heh heh heh… totally.

Elfy McElfElf: I’m sure you will! *hands her the satchel of Pixar Dust* Keep up the good work! *skips on out of the room*

Avi-B: (Um… yeah… I don’t think you should do this… I mean, Santa can see you when you’re sleeping!)

Avi-W: Oh be quiet. *goes to slap her twin, but only ends up hitting the air* …oh right, you’re on the other end of the earth right now. Hey, Ophiukoopookapoop! Make me an Avi-B voodoo doll!

Ophiuca: If you insist… *gets to work*

Avi-W: So, anyway, me… sure, Santa can see you when you’re sleeping, but can he see you when he’s sleeping?

(Back at the Police Station)

Avi-B: Well, we really have no way of knowing, so… yeah…

Officer #5: Who ya talkin’ to, maggot?

Avi-B: Myself, actually.

Officer #6: Typical of such lunatics. *unlocks the cell*

Officer #4: *leads Avi-B out in handcuffs* Captain Berenice will be interrogating you personally.

(Berenice’s Office)

Avi-B: *is sat down in front of Berenice’s desk* Yeah, hi… and um… yeah. I realize that in the time I spent in the cell, I neglected to tidy up my hair… I’m deeply sorry.

Berenice: Hmph. You better be! At least you recognize the error of your wicked ways... Anyway, down to business. *reaches into her hair, pulling out a packet of papers* According to our files, you are… half of Avi L. Delta, correct?

Avi-B: Um, yeah… yeah.

Berenice: Well, kiddo, our researchers have ordered you in for a psychiatric evaluation; HOWEVER – we must first track down your other body holding the other half of your mind. Now, answer me…

Officers: *menacingly, they surround Avi-B on either side*

Berenice: …are we correct in assuming you have a direct mental link to your twin? Meaning, you can locate her from anywhere you may be, regardless of the distance between?

Avi-B: Well, yeah…

Berenice: Hmm…

Interrogation commenced. Avi-B willingly gave out the answers to Berenice without any struggle, from Avi-W’s location to the encounter with Santa Claus, to Red Shift’s capture, to Santa’s apparent hibernation, and finally to the clueless elf foreman and Avi-W’s plan to build an army of killer toys with the Pixar Dust…

Berenice: Intriguing…

Avi-B: What, don’t you believe me..? Yeah, I can understand the skepticism involving an all-powerful Santa, and yeah, I’ll admit that my mental stability is tenuous at best, but I’m telling you the truth…

Berenice: Oh, no, I believe you – we Satella Police know everything there is to know about the paranormal, babe. And that includes Santa Claus. I was just in deep thought… you’ve given us some juicy information… and without a fight, too!

Officer #6: I dunno about this information. I mean, the twins are certifiably insane, it doesn’t take a shrink to figure that out!

Officer #7: Or maybe that’s what they want you to think.

Berenice: Hush, you two! Take her back to her cell. My hair and I have much to discuss!

Coma: *hidden inside Berenice’s hair* That, we do!

Officer #4: Wow, did your hair just talk? I never knew you were into ventriloquism, Captain!

Officer #5: You should enter the police talent show!

Berenice: Heh, I’m flattered. But alas, there is work to be done first. Work for you four, and for me – so get to it!

Back at the North Pole, Avi-W stands before an army of living toys!

Avi-W: …your orders are clear, dumplings! Now GO AND KILL!

(At her orders, the toys march out the factory doors)

Elfy McElfElf: I’m sure the kids will love ‘em! *goes back into the other room*

Avi-W: Oh, they will. Mwehehehehehehe… keep the toy production going, kiddies, I still have a whole bag of this Pixar Dust left!

Vok: *hammering away at a toy that looks to be a mini-torture device*

Silver: *carefully adjusting something that looks like it could be used as a deadly weapon*

Martyr: *still knitting mittens*

Avi-W: Oh, still with the mittens, I see! *slaps Martyr* You’re so useless! The others are making pint-sized killing machines, while you’re making mittens. WHAT DO YOU EXPECT MITTENS TO ACCOMPLISH?!

Martyr: …They keep your hands warm. Are you that fucking dense? *goes back to knitting mittens*

Fun times to be had by all.

Meanwhile, Captain Berenice finds herself alone in her office, with nobody but her hair to keep her company. She leans forward in front of her desk, rigorously moving her pen about over the piles of paperwork sprawled out before her.

An unheard conversation goes on inside her mind…

Coma: *still inside Berenice’s hair* (Cleo, you’ve been working overtime! I know you’re like, married to your job and all, but… you aren’t really considering using the twin to lead us to the other, are you?)

Berenice: (According to my visualizer, a faint linking wave does appear to be emanating from Avi-B, but visualizers can only see so much… besides, not even paranormal experts have discovered a conclusive way to reach the Santa’s Workshop. But given Gemini Spark’s wave link, we just might be able to do it with her help.)

Coma: (You knoooooow, she COULD lead us into a trap…)

Berenice: (That she could. What, afraid to take risks for the greater good, are we?)

Coma: (N-not at all! We FM-ians of KAOS Team would go to great lengths in order to spread smiles and cheer across the universe! I was just making sure…)

Berenice: (We all know that Santa Claus hibernates from October until Christmas Eve, and with that oblivious elf foreman I was told about… if that bit is true, Red Shift has effectively taken over Santa’s Workshop! Legit or not, we can’t let this go by without at least an investigation. Are you with me, Coma?)

Coma: (You bet! Off we go to save Xmas! …Just in time for Halloween!)

- To Be Continued... -