Satella Police VS. Red Shift in...
Happy Xmas (War Has Begun) --PART 2--
~SEASON 1 FINALE~
By Avi (Gemini Spark)

Starring...

ON THE LAST EPISODE… more stuff happened.

Cut to a dark room, concealed within the frigid depths of what was once Santa’s Workshop… a darkened figure sits atop a throne in solitude, lurking behind a chessboard while holding a glass of wine.

Darkened Figure: *sips wine* Heh heh heh… foolish Satella Police. Completely unaware that I can observe you horseless wagons through my other half… you are playing right into my hand. *randomly moves the chess pieces around*

Darkened Figure’s Pet: *sitting comfortably, curled up on Darkened Figure’s lap*

Darkened Figure: *affectionately scratching her pet’s two chins* Soon, Gemmy. Like lambs to the slaughter, they, um… yo, Vok! Pull me up some list of villain quotes on your lappy!

Vok: You summoned me, “mistress?” *hands the Darkened Figure his laptop*

Darkened Figure: Mwehehehe… excellent. Like lambs to the slaughter, those petulant fools shall soon… *begins reading from the computer* “FAIL. this is /the site/ … /the site/ doesn't need pussy. /the site/ feeds on failure. What time is it? AWESOME O' CLOCK!!! DON’T POOP RIGHT FOR A WEEK …”

Libra: S-stop reading! The sheer imbalance… *sobs* it only gets worse from there! M-m-much, much, MUCH MUCH worse! So please, I’m begging you, s-stop! PLEASE!!

Vok: *grins evilly* Pure villainy at its finest, folks. Mwahahahahaha…

Darkened Figure: …*continues reading silently into the depths of “the site,” before hastily tossing the computer away* I-I asked for classic villain quotes, not for this mind rape! I draw the line at beating up orphans with the bones of their parents, may I have you know!! *begins to tear up*

Darkened Figure’s Pet: I’d be willing to bet you wouldn’t even have the heart to do that. *sighs* Just when you were finally starting to make a convincing villain, too!

Darkened Figure: *slaps her pet* You… are the pet. You are to say “meow” and nothing more! Are we clear?!

Darkened Figure’s Pet: Ugh… Meow… *groans*

Darkened Figure: Okay, so… pretending the last nine or so lines of dialogue never happened… AS I WAS SAYING! Why don’t we give the Satella Police some toys to play with, shall we? We’ll let them have their fun, while we sit back and watch the fireworks… mwehehehehehe…

Elsewhere, a helicopter carrying Satella Captain Berenice, and her elite squad of commandos, as well as a captive Avi-B, lands in the arctic wastes. What awaited them there was nothing more than freezing cold, bitter winds in the darkness of an eternal winter… a darkness pierced only by the cheery holiday lights that adorned a nearby sign reading, “WELCOME TO THE NORTH POLE! =D”

Avi-B: *shivering* Th-this is the place… *is shoved out of the helicopter by the officers*

Berenice: *pulls several layers of winter clothing out from her hair and begins to put them on* Good work. Now, keep using that mental link of yours to lead us to the other you. And don’t worry about the cold, you’re made of EM waves!

Avi-B: Y-yes, ma’am… *trudges forward* c-c-cold…

Officer #4: Though, you have to admit: even under all these layers, the weather is b-brutal!

Officer #5: Hey, why do you think we packed all these fire-themed battle cards?

???: Fire? Allow us!

Several streams of flame shoot forth from atop the jagged peaks, all aimed at the officers! Scrambling to dodge, they themselves take aim for the cliffs, and open fire with their weapons… the enemies did not let up, however.

Officer #6: Damn, where is the enemy?!

Officer #7: It can’t be Libra Scales, or Taurus Fire for that matter…

Avi-B: You’re right… yeah, it’s actually an army of sentient, fire-breathing Easy-Bake ovens…

Berenice: …

Avi-B: I’m dead serious.

Officers: …

Avi-B: I am! Yeah… you see, the other me used Santa’s factory to build them all, sprinkled them each with a teaspoon of Pixar Dust, then stationed them here, anticipating your arrival…

Berenice: And you didn’t tell us about this… why? *dodges another burst of flames… which then hits Avi-B*

Easy-Bake Oven: You dare reveal our plans, traitorous slime?!

The Easy-Bake Ovens charged down the hillside, spewing fire everywhere! The Satella retaliate with their battle cards, while Avi-B joins them in taking out the possessed ovens with her Rocket Knuckle attacks and her electricity. The ovens kept on coming, and the Satella quickly resorted to water elemental attacks, gaining a momentary advantage.

Easy-Bake Oven: *watches as its fire attacks are doused* …curses! That’s it. It’s time to use our cakes! *spits one out at our heroes*

Berenice: *watching the cake land in front of her* …everybody, it’s gonna blow! Take cover!

They scramble, and sure enough, the cake exploded! While nobody was caught directly in the blast, good chunks of the hillside are blown off…

Officer #6: *notices a chunk of mountain is about to fall on him* NOOOOO!

Avi-B: *barely manages to catch it in both hands* ugh… Run!

Berenice: *using a Windy Attack battle card, she produces an EM racket from her transer. With it, she whacks the rock that Avi-B held; a mighty gust of wind sends it crashing into more ovens*

Officer #4: Guys, watch out! There’s more exploding ca-

***BOOM***

Officer #4: *is sent flying out of sight*

Officer #5: Aggh… you’ll pay for that! *using a Sync Hook battle card, a glove-like weapon appears over his left hand* DIE! *punches one of the ovens – the effect of the card causes all of the ovens nearby to feel the blow!*

Easy-Bake Oven: *short circuiting* Wha…t a… *sparking* …fool… *before shutting down, it shoots out a pie that splatters all over #5’s face*

Officer #5: *now covered head to toe in pie* ACK! Can’t move… can’t see… I mean, it’s delicious, but… I’M A SITTING DUCK! HELP!

Berenice: Commandos, cover him! Avi, with me!

The fight continues. The Ovens’ numbers are slowly reduced…

Easy-Bake Oven: We can’t go on much longer… COMMANDER!

???: Oh, do I have to get my feathers dirty? Hmph. You simpletons can never get anything done for yourselves, can you?

Avi-B: Commander… Cygnus?

???: Cygnus? Oh, no. I’m not Cygnus… at least, not exactly. Even if he did craft me in his glorious likeness… for I am…

The commander descends from the sky, revealing himself as…

Mr. Oreo Head: MISTER OREO HEAD!

*Everybody bursts out laughing*

Mr. Oreo Head: Oh, come on! You’re fighting an army of talking Easy-Bake ovens. How am I any more ridiculous?!

Officer #6: Haha… dude. You don’t even look like an Oreo. Yet you’re named… haha…

Officer #7: Besides, you look more like a cross between a potato and a turkey!

Mr. Oreo Head: …EXCUSE ME?! I am not a cross between a potato and a turkey. I am a cross between a potato and a BEAUTIFUL SWAN! And I’ve had it up to here with you brutish rapscallions! TASTE MY WRATH! *He removes his plastic mustache… and throws it at the officers. It begins spinning like a buzz saw through the air…*

Berenice: *dodging* Be on your guard – it’s a boomerang!

Mr. Oreo Head: But not just any boomerang…

The deadly mustache abruptly changes course… clipping off a small strand of Berenice’s hair.

Berenice: N-No, Cleo Junior!

Mr. Oreo Head: It’s remote controlled. It goes wherever I want it to go, just like that! And next…

The mustache turns towards Officer #5, who is still covered in immobilizing pie…

Officer #6: I won’t let you! *slots in a Long Sword battle card* Batter up… *goes to swing his sword… only for the mustache to snap the blade in half* …

Officer #7: *struggling to clean the pie off of #5* Too sticky...!

Mr. Oreo Head: Well, it was nice knowing you, nameless goon!

The mustache slashes the poor guy several times… until he falls to the ground.

Satella Police: NO!

Mr. Oreo Head: HA HA HAAA! Imagine telling his family that – died from a spinning plastic mustache while trapped by being covered in pie. Of all the ways to go… HA HAH!

Berenice: You’ve really crossed the line now. *readies a string of battle cards*

Easy-Bake Ovens: *breathe fire at Berenice*

Berenice: !! *leaps away, although the toe of her boot catches fire* Gah… need water!

Officer #7: On it! *rummages for water-elemental cards*

Mr. Oreo Head: Forgot my ovens were still here, did you? HA HA!! Now, return for a recharge, my mustache—

The mustache reattached itself to the killer toy’s face - however, something went wrong for Mr. Oreo Head. His mustache was crackling with electricity, and it sent a massive shock throughout his body!

Mr. Oreo Head: *twitching violently* SDJFSKLDFJsldKFJ SDKlfj sdklfj SDF JSDKL;f ;lsdkf lsdFK S:DLFK ls;dkfs;ldfks;ldfks;DLFKsD:LFK;lsdkf;s

Avi-B: Yeah… I’m sorry, Cygnus, but your toy killed somebody… I had to electrify its mustache, or else…

Mr. Oreo Head: sljfsdf W-W-W-W-W-WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?! YOU CAN’T ELECTRIFY PLASTIC. THAT MAKES NO SEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeennnnseeeeeee…

Avi-B: Well… yeah… but as the other me says, “screw logic, I’m better than logic.” Makes no less sense than magic dust bringing toys to life, I guess…

Mr. Oreo Head: asdjalksdjalksdajksld TRAITOR!! *it extends both arms, then fires them both at Avi-B as missiles! The evil toy then falls to the ground on its back, motionless*

Avi-B: *destroys both arm missiles with her electric blades* …phew… *falls to her knees* …to think that my team could truly create something so horrible like that…

Easy-Bake Oven: Mr. Oreo Head has been defeated!

Another Easy-Bake Oven: And he’s gonna blow!

Easy-Bake Ovens: RETREEEEEEEEAT!!

Everyone: …WAIT WHAT.

The body of Mr. Oreo Head begins to glow… then beep… beep… beep…

Avi-B: Oh no! *picks up the toy, and throws it*

Officer #7: *catches it* No, not at me! *throws it*

Officer #6: *catches it* I don’t want the potato either! *throws it towards Berenice*

Berenice: *catches it* Well, guess I lose this game of Hot Potato.

Officer #7: Captain, please be serious—

Berenice: Oh, I am… There we are surrounded by mountains… nowhere we could possibly dispose of this thing, except… *sticks the potato-oreo-swan-bomb inside her hair* I’m so sorry, Cleo Junior!

Coma: ?!

Berenice: (Coma, quick – get out of my hair and into my transer!)

Coma: (Y-yes ma’am!) *does so in secret*

Avi-B: Y-You put the bomb… in your hair?!

Berenice: If my hair can conceal any given item I require at any given time… surely it can contain an explosion… (I hope…) …Everyone, stay back! *runs out of sight*

Officer #6: …

Officer #7: …

Avi-B: …

A small explosion is heard from down the hill – everything that was in Berenice’s hair is promptly sent spiraling into the air! Everything from battle cards, to weapons, to scientific equipment, to paperwork, to food, to hair care magazines, to hair products, to clothing, to spare keys, to a spare transer, to cardboard boxes… we’ll assume you gave up on suspending your disbelief long, LONG ago.

Avi-B: Is she… alright…?

(Berenice is heard screaming)

Officer #6: I’m guessing she just lost a few hairs, judging by that scream.

Officer #7: If she turns up… you know… bald or anything… both of you, promise not to say anything about it!

Avi-B: I promise.

Down the hill…

Coma: Don’t cry, Cleo. Haven’t you forgotten about my mystical hair powers? I can make it grow back! Juuuuuust like that. There!

Back up the hill…

Officer #6: So… all this stuff that was in her hair. Is she gonna make us carry it? Because with—

Berenice: Back.

Officer #6: M-ma’am! *salutes* Excellent work!

Officer #7: You’ve saved us! *salutes* …Wait, so you didn’t go bald?

Berenice: Look, you’d scream too if a bomb went off behind your head, if that’s what you’re implying.

Coma: (Besides, she only lost like, half of it before I grew it back.)

Berenice: (Oh be quiet, you.) Anyways, we march on, to Santa’s Workshop! Lead the way, Avi.

Avi-B: Um… yes ma’am! Um… my twin is… this way. *turns and begins the march*

Officer #6: But what about the stuff that was in your—

Berenice: We’ll worry about it later. Onwards!

BACK IN THE FORSAKEN CATACOMBS OF… Santa’s Workshop…

Darkened Figure: So, Mr. Oreo Head was defeated… heh heh. That foolish pawn, done in by his own vanity… *takes one of the pawns off her chess board, and throws it at Cygnus*

Cygnus: OW! He-he was no mere pawn… he was the spitting image of perfection! Top-of-the-line quality! You… enjoyed killing him, didn’t you…

Darkened Figure: Though it may have been the other me… yes. Very much so. I mean, come on, your toy design was STUPID! Now is where you get on your knees and beg for another chance! Only for me to decline and kill you for your insolence. Wheeeee.~

Darkened Figure’s Pet: Yesssssss… that is how a true villainous organization works – I mean, “meow.”

Cygnus: *groans*

Martyr: … *knits more mittens*

Vok: So anyway. Libra and I have finished our toys, “dark mistress” Avi.

Darkened Figure: DON’T SAY MY NAME. MY IDENTITY IS SUPPOSED TO BE REVEALED ONLY FOR THE SAKE OF A SHOCKING TWIST DAMN IT.

Vok: …riiiiight, shall we deploy them and run through with the plan?

Libra: I can assure you, with the individual steps of planning carefully balanced between the two of us, the plan is flawless.

Darkened Figure: Dunno what the plan is, but sure, why not. Knock yourselves out.

Darkened Figure’s Pet: How… could you NOT know what your plan is?! I mean, I know you’re a hopeless moron and all, but— *slapped*

Darkened Figure: That’s the idea, Gemmy… we can’t have me knowing my own plans, now can we? Especially not when I – the other one – am with the Satella Police… let’s leave this one to the balance boys. Heh heh heh!

Back in the frozen wastes…

Berenice: *catches up to Avi-B* Yo, how’s it feel being one of the good guys?

Avi-B: … *after a pause* …It felt good… it felt right, yeah… but, my team, and my other half…

Berenice: *brushes her hair* You need to stand up for yourself! ‘Sides, by the end of tonight, you won’t have to worry about them anymore. But before we go any further, there is something we must discuss. Tell me, what is the evil you planning next?

Avi-B: I… honestly don’t know.

Berenice: *stops brushing her hair, and glares at Avi-B*

Avi-B: *gulp* I… I… mean it. Avi-W doesn’t know either! She had Vok and Libra come up with the next plan…

Berenice: *goes back to brushing her hair* You better be telling the truth, girl. Thanks to the last ambush, we’ve lost two men… if I find out otherwise and something like that happens again, boooooyy it won’t be pretty.

Officer #6: *peering through a pair of binoculars* Ma’am! I have sighted Santa’s workshop, just up ahead!

Berenice: Good work! Let us take this moment to stop and prepare ourselves.

Avi-B: Especially since Red Shift has at this point converted it into what is essentially an evil death fortress… yeah…

Berenice: It’s best we formulate a strategy before we get too close, or— *is tackled by a Fur Real Friends saber-tooth tiger!*

Officer #6: !! *aims his weapon at the toy, but he quickly drops it as he feels the pain of dozens of toy soldiers shooting tiny bullets at his ankles*

Officer #7: *stomps some of the toy soldiers flat* There’s more coming, too! *is repeatedly bonked by a floating squeaky hammer of DEATH* OUCH! STOP IT!

Avi-B: *covering her ears* The incessant squeaking! Too… TOO LOUD! *kicks away a possessed RC snowplow*

Berenice: *wrestles off the toy tiger* Well, guess the plan can only be a full-on assault now!

Avi and the Satella commandos charge forth, fending off wave after wave of evil toys as they make their way to Santa’s – or rather, Red Shift’s – door. By the time they arrived, most of the toys had been driven off.

Officer #6: This must be the entryway… I’ll assume it’s locked.

Avi-B: Um… yeah… maybe, I could hack the locking mechanism… *looks to see a giant padlock over the door*

Officer #7: By transing in?

Avi-B: Yes, as an EM-being, I could enter the lock’s cyber core, and um… politely ask the Mr. Hertz who operates it to let us in? Yeah…

Officer #6: Though given the circumstances, you have every right to use full force on the little bugger should he not let up.

Avi-B: Cruelty to helpless Hertzes?! I… know this is a villain’s lair, but…

Berenice: Wait a minute… something doesn’t seem right about this lock. Call it a gut feeling, but… I’m getting the impression there’s more to it than meets the eye…

Upon Berenice’s sudden observation, the lock actually transformed into a miniature robot and began firing at our heroes!

Officer #7: *taken aback* AH! It’s a… Transformer?!

Officer #6: Not just any Transformer. From the looks of the construction and the paintjob, it’s a foreign bootleg Transformer!

Libratron: You having the insult of me?! *fires some more* I have the make construction with parts from here on North Pole!! Unbalanced Electopians from Electopia have no match against SUPER TRANSFORMING BALANCE BOT Libratron nortarbiL!! GO GO!!!

Avi-B: Yeeeeah… Can I just call you “Libratron?”

Libratron: NO!!! I have no allow!! The name requirement of perfect symmetry is very balanced, for Libratron nortarbiL the name of I!!!

Officer #6: Don’t bother trying to understand it! Just blast it!

Berenice: Kid’s got the right idea! *takes out a gun and begins shooting at Libratron*

Avi-B: Whoa, wait. A gun? As in… a real gun?! As in, not a battle card or a super power… or one of those vacuum things Copper’s guys have?

Berenice: Yeah, so…? *shoots some more*

Libratron: *keeps shooting back until his left arm gets blasted off* ARGH!! The left shoulder has much hurt! What lack of balance to be had!! Please, you must shoot off right arm too, so that I have perfection with balance!! Perfect symmetry!!

Avi-B: You serious? Wow… you’re even more OCD than your creator…

Libratron: Captain Obvious is not a friend with me!! Please shoot my other arm!! For balance sake of perfect left right coordinated!!!

Officer #6: As you wish! *blasts Libratron’s other arm off*

Libratron: Ah… *falls over* perfect… balance… had at last…

Officer #7: That toy… it couldn’t have been a commander, could it?

Officer #6: Doubtful. It went down as easy as the rest of them mooks.

Berenice: Well, now that that’s over with, let’s see if we can bust down this dooo-OOH! Rrr… my head…

Officer #6: *clutches his head* Mine… mine too… AHHH!! *falls to his knees*

Officer #7: *on the ground, in a fetal position* EEEEEEEK!! What is this fee-feeling… MAKE IT STOP…

Avi-B: Aaaah… I know this feeling… from somewh… somewh… AAAH!!

Libratron: *gets up* Hey, guess what?? My role was a diversionary distraction of time waster!! Scheme much balance…

Berenice: Gah… wha… what’s going on… AAAHH… what…?

Libratron: While the time is spent attacking the balance bot, more toys… specially balanced toys… they sending strongly devastating EM waves into the heads of you!!

Avi and Berenice turn around, and to their horror, they observe dozens, upon dozens, upon dozens of… Disney Princess TVs. But the images they displayed… couldn’t be put into words…

Berenice: AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE…!! *attemps to cover her eyes, but the images are steadily broadcast into her mind…*

Avi-B: Ahh… AHH!! W-Waaaait!! I-I know this feeling! I witnessed it through my other body… it’s THE SITE!

Berenice: Th-th-th-“The Site?”

Avi-B: Vok… Vok… Vok… Vok goes there… there… there…! He has to be the most evil member of my team! And, and, and, and, and seeing as how we have a two-faced usurper who ordered the destruction of a planet and a lawyer – A LAWYER – that’s saying a lot… AAAAAH!!

Berenice: Rrrrr… rrrrrrrrrred… shift… must… be stop… stopped… *opens her transer, and strains to send some commands into it*

Libratron: Oh ho ho ho ho!! “The Site” has enough harm on its own, but when the transmit on directly to your brain… oh so much deadly imbalance it does have!! These two have already succumbed, that you may see –

Officer #6: /the site/ feeds on failure. What time is it? AWESOME O' CLOCK!!! /the site/ feeds on failure. What time is it? AWESOME O' CLOCK!!! /the site/ …

Officer #7: FAIL. this is /the site/ … DON’T POOP RIGHT FOR A WEEK … FAIL. this is /the site/ … DON’T POOP RIGHT FOR A WEEK … FAIL. this is /the site/ …

Libratron: Soon, they recite deeper, more unbalanced parts the site has, to the point they have death. Mwa ha ha…

Avi-B: Red… Shift… never… had this… kind of power… before… who’d have thought Santa had such deady resource… ses… ah… AH!!

Berenice: FAIL… ahh! Must fight it… /the site/ feeds… on… MUST RESIST! (Coma… can’t we… ah…)

Coma: (Ahhh… I’m… sorr…rrry… the site… it affects me too! Can’t… wave… chaaa… aaaaaaa…)

Libratron: Mwa ha ha ha!! But since the death takes long to come, my LIBRACONS will come and put your misery out of you by death by balance!!

A helicopter appears in the sky…

Libratron: Why look, a Libracon is here already. Come and bring assist to your most balanced overlord… *sees the helicopter coming into view* …WAITAMINUTE. That helicopter has size that is too big too be a Transformer toy…

Two figures from above – who just so happened to be Satella Police Officers #1 and #3, came parachuting onto the scene! Except they forgot to deploy their parachutes and ended up falling face-first into the snow…

Libratron: …Hrm. More victims for /the site/ wave radiation to be had!!

Avi-B: Th-them?!

Berenice: …heh heh…

Coma: (You… you called for Copper’s men?! Are you… seri… aaaah…)

Berenice: (Just… trust meeee…)

Officer #1: OOH! *pulling his head out of the snow* Durr, we’ve come to answer your distress call, Mrs. Hair Person! *pulls out a bazooka*

Officer #3: *pulls out some explosives* Hooray! I’ve always wanted to go on a “sue-ee-side mission!” Whatever that is!

Officer #1: Durrr… so what side of Sue are we supposed to stand on?

Libratron: …Most strange… their intelligence appears to have lack, and yet, they go unaffected by my unbalancing radiation… how?!

Berenice: You can’t… mind rape them…if they don’t even… have minds to rape!

Libratron: …Hmph! So what. The Libracons will use mental balance against the mentally inbalanced to victory!! …Say, where is the Libracons anyway. To here they should have been already!!

Officer #3: *holding the pieces of a bunch of Transformer toys* Oh no! I think I broke this whatever it is when I fell on it! Is that bad…?

Libratron: …I… CAN’T HAVE A BELIEF OF THIS! There’s only one thing to do that is left…

The door to Santa’s Workshop slowly opens…

Libratron: Soon, reinforcements will pour out from big passageway… then you won’t live any more, OH HO HO HO!!

Officer #3: Yo, I think that guy is Sue! And we have to knock him to the side! Lets go! *carelessly throws all of his explosives everywhere, taking out some of the Disney Princess TVs that were emanating radiation from “the site!”*

Officer #1: Durr, okay! *arms his bazooka, and prepares to fire at Libratron – unbeknownst to him, he was holding the weapon backwards. His entire ammo supply was unloaded behind him, taking out the rest of the Disney Princess TVs* …daaww, we missed!

Avi-B: *slowly gets back up* …you… you guys saved us!

Berenice: *gets on her feet, gasping for air* Heh heh… victory… *shoots Libratron many times*

Libratron: BALANCE BALANCE BALANCE ARRRGH *gets blasted to pieces*

Berenice: Phew… *puts her gun away* Never thought I’d say this, but… good work, Numbers 1 and 3!

Officers #1 and #3: YAY!!

Berenice: So, how is everybody else feeling?

Avi-B: Still a little weak… yeah, what has been seen can’t be unseen… but I’ll get better, I’m sure. But these two…

Officer #6: /the site/ feeds on failure. What time is it? AWESOME O' CLOCK!!! /the site/ feeds on failure. What time is it? AWESOME O' CLOCK!!! /the site/ …

Officer #7: FAIL. this is /the site/ … DON’T POOP RIGHT FOR A WEEK … FAIL. this is /the site/ … DON’T POOP RIGHT FOR A WEEK … FAIL. this is /the site/ …

Berenice: Oh no… I guess the site was too much for them to handle… Numbers 1 and 3, get them out of here, they require medical attention ASAP! Avi, you and I are going into the fortress to pay you a visit.

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