Satella Police VS. Red Shift in...
Happy Xmas (War Has Begun) --PART 2--
~SEASON 1 FINALE~
By Avi (Gemini Spark)

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The duo charged forward into the depths of the fortress. Many shipments of evil toys emerged to impede their progress – while our heroes succeeded in fending them off, the fight was far from over. Eventually, they reached a very sinister looking, spiral staircase...

Berenice: So this is Santa’s Workshop…

Avi-B: Yeah… Other me kinda shut off the breaker switch just for dramatic effect… It looks much less sinister when the lights are actually turned on, believe me.

(Echoing footsteps are heard coming down the staircase)

Martyr: *slowly descends the stairs* …

Avi-B: Oh, M-Martyr… yeah, hi…

Cygnus: *appears beside Martyr, and flies down to greet the duo* Well, well, well. What do we have here, little miss traitor-pants?

Avi-B: Um… well… I, um…

Berenice: Cygnus! *pulls her gun from her belt, and begins shooting at him*

Cygnus: Owowowow! I say, a gun?! What brutish savagery!

Berenice: My battle cards were in my hair when your toy blew up in it. So, this is what you’re getting, deal with it. *shoots some more*

Cygnus: ACK! Gram, do something! That wretched earthling with the gaudy hairstyle is killing me…

Martyr: …and I don’t care. We can’t wave change with these hats, so… sucks to be you.

Avi-B: Cygnus? P-Please, Captain, he can’t fight in this state…

Cygnus: *pecks at Berenice, only to be thrown back*

Berenice: *points the gun up at Martyr* You will surrender now, or— *her gun is stolen by… a mitten?!*

Avi-B: Ah… *is punched by another mitten*

Out from every dark corner of the room comes more floating mittens, by the dozen!

Berenice: If it’s hand-to-hand combat you want…! *punches and kicks the oncoming mittens, to little effect*

Cygnus: Gram’s flying mittens are far too light for any of that to work… heh heh heh. And they’re fashionable to boot! A surprise, coming from him…

The mittens surround Berenice, and begin beating her senseless… she manages to pin a few of them down, but there are just too many to drive off!

Avi-B: *extends her electric blades* I…

Berenice: Avi, I could use some backup! *struggles to fend off the mittens unarmed*

Coma: (Or we could—)

Berenice: (Not yet… I must test this twin’s true allegiance!) *is uppercut by one mitten, and slammed down by another*)

Avi-B: Oh no, Berenice… *raises her weapon*

Martyr: …Kill her.

Cygnus: Yes, do it! If you don’t… well, I’m sure you know how we villain-types deal with traitors. And you don’t want to let yourself down, do you? After all, you’re not complete without her…

Avi-B: Avi-W… ah…

Darkened Figure’s Pet: (…Yes. You’ve no doubt noticed the decline in your own sanity… stay away from your other half for too long, and you may very well become even worse than she. Mwahahahahaha… trust me. I know very well how my host bodies work; I control the fusion!)

Berenice: Don’t listen! HELP! *is grabbed by the mittens*

Darkened Figure: (Let me deal with this! Check, one two three…)

Avi-B: I… I… AH! The other me has this to say. *ahem* Mwehehehehe… *takes out a rope, and begins to tie it around herself* If you want me back, you will come to my lair… MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Berenice: W-what are you doing?!

Avi-B: *finishes tying herself up* Um, I’m kidnapping myself… yeah… *hops up the stairs* HELP! *hops up another step* HELP MEEEEE!!! *hops up more steps* CLEEEEOOOOOOOO…

Martyr: *facepalms*

Berenice: I can’t believe this! *is punched in the stomach by a whole bunch of mittens at once* AGH!!

With Berenice stunned, the mittens each grab a limb, holding her in place, suspended midair…

Vok: *appears at the top of the staircase* Well well, Silver. What have we here?

Silver: *walks down the steps, taking Berenice’s gun from one of the mittens*

Berenice: S-Silver… I knew it. I knew you’d join these aliens… your hair looks worse than ever.

Silver: Ah, Cleo Berenice. An ever present thorn in my side. But not anymore… *aims the gun at its former owner*

Berenice: Oh. Still angry about the little mistake I made back in the barber days? Sheesh, it grew back.

Silver: As district prosecutor, I have the police eating out of my hand, every case I work on. And yet, having one who knows the truth running around… *pulls the trigger* …they tend to leave on long vacations.

Berenice: *sees the bullet* EM WAVE CHANGE! Cleo Berenice, on air!

Suddenly, Berenice’s hair grew twice its length, wrapping around her as if to from a cocoon! The bullet harmlessly bounces off!

Silver: The hell?! *fires more shots, no effect*

Cygnus: I can’t believe this… she has no loneliness to feed off of; how could she have an FM-ian partner?!

The hair begins to glow. And with that, it unravels…

Berenice: My hair glows with an awesome power. For I have become… Coma Neon.

Vok: Ahahah her name is “Coma.” Let us all point and laugh, cursing that poor, pitiful creature’s parents.

Coma: *sighs* as I tell everybody, it’s Latin for “hair.”

Berenice: Although, I see no reason why it can’t be the other kind of coma as well! *she spins around – her freakishly long hair becomes a deadly, long-ranged melee weapon that sends Martyr, Cygnus, and Silver flying!*

Vok: Hosnap.

Libra: We can’t wave change… the odds are balanced in her favor! Who is this FM-ian, anyway?!

Vok: Just send out more minions, you fucking genius!

Ophiuca: I’m on it! *blows some notes into her flute*

Slinkies: Hsssssssssss!!

The staircase becomes flooded with Slinkies, by the dozen! They climb down the steps with blinding speeds, while Berenice continues fending off the flying mittens.

Berenice: *her hair separates into many floating tendrils. Each hair tendril fires a laser at some of the mittens, knocking them out of the air*

Coma: (Oh no - Red Shift is escaping!)

Berenice: Not so fa— ah! *a Slinky wraps around her*

Another Slinky: *also wraps around Berenice*

Yet Another Slinky: *same* Hsssssssssss…

Berenice: *sees the Red Shift members vanishing from her sight* Why you! *her pharaoh cane turns into a GIANT COMB. With it, she slashes the Slinkies entangling her, causing them to get stuck between its prongs*

Slinkies: SssssSSSSssssSSSSssSS?!

Berenice: *makes her giant comb glow brightly, causing all of the metal Slinkies caught up in it to melt*

More Slinkies: HSSSSSSSSSssssssssssss!!!

Slinkies slithered everywhere! And even still, more mittens patrolled the air. Using both the heated comb and her laser-shooting hair tendrils, many of them fell. Unfortunately, with her protective hair flying above and around her, she left the back of her neck open for attack, and—

Berenice: AH! *keels over*

Queen Slinky: *removes its teeth from Berenice’s neck* Ah, the ssssweet tassste of EM flesshhh…

Berenice: *slashes her comb at Queen Slinky*

Queen Slinky: *bends out of the way* Hee hee hee… ssso thisss iss the Ssssatella Elite? Sssseemsss you’ve gotten weaker and more recklessss in your wave form… or maybe it’sss the poisssson!

Coma: P-Poison?

Queen Slinky: Yesssss… my fangssss are coated with lead paint! Mixxed with ccccyanide! *slithers away*

Coma: Santa’s workshop has those kinds of chemicals?!

Berenice: Ugh… *gets up, and chases after Queen Slinky, fending off all Slinkies and Mittens in the way*

Coma: Cleo, I see a wave hole… there’s so many, and the poison – no use staying here for long!

Berenice: Indeed… *turns for the wave hole*

Queen Slinky: Cowardssss! *from a distance, it extends its slinky-arms at Berenice for a long-range bear hug!*

Berenice: ! *she transforms her giant comb into… a giant pair of scissors! With them, she cuts the slinky-arms apart!*

Queen Slinky: What?! Not posssssible!

Berenice: *charges at Queen Slinky*

Queen Slinky: Are you ssssstupid?! You’re not sssuposssed to run with scisss— *is cut in half*

Even with their leader defeated, the Slinkies continued their assault. Berenice made her way through them and to the wave hole – which drew her high up to the workshop’s wave road, overlooking the great staircase.

Coma: Phew… they can’t reach us up here, but…

Berenice: *sees the Red Shift members escaping into a steel door at the top of the staircase* …COME ON! *leaps to there from the wave road*

Silver: *runs into the room* CLOSE IT!

Berenice: *wedges her scissors into the door just before it can fully close* Let’s see how you like being poisoned! *her giant scissors turn into… a giant can of deadly hair spray! She sprays the inside of the room…*

Coughing and wheezing is heard from inside. Then people collapsing to their knees. Then silence.

Berenice: Ah… *falls to her knees*

Coma: Cleo!

Berenice: I… *stumbles back up*

Mittens: RAAAAAAAAAWWWR!!

Coma: They-they followed us all the way up here?

Coma Neon forces the door open… using her hair, naturally. She swiftly slides through before slamming it with all her might. As soon as she was inside, mittens could be heard banging away at the door, all in an attempt to break through…

She navigated the small room, where the humans of Red Shift lay unconscious. Beyond them was a claustrophobic hallway… one that seemed to go on for too long, especially with the poison slowly sapping away at her very life.

And finally…

Darkened Figure: Well well, my pet. It looks like we have guests… why don’t you go and greet ‘em?

Darkened Figure’s Pet: *sighs, and meows* Mumblemumblemumble… *gets up off the villain’s lap, and wanders off towards the lighted entryway*

Coma: *appears in front of Berenice, entering the room* All right, Gemini. Come on out, now!

Gemini: *enters the light* What… wait! What in the name of… Captain Berenice has an FM-ian? …We’re fucked.

Coma: Ooooh, I’ve heard of you, yes I have! You’re all over the Wanted posters back home on Planet FM!

Gemini: R-really? *beams* HA! *turns towards Darkened Figure* I don’t see your face on any Wanted posters! See what this means? Unlike you, I know how to do villainy RIGHT—

Berenice: *smashes Gemini aside with a swipe of her hair*

Gemini: AAAGGH!! Who… who are you anyway?! How did you get her as a host, she’s not lonely, she…

Coma: Hee hee hee! Call me Coma – Latin for hair, FYI. I’m a new breed of FM-ian; cool, huh?

Gemini: Grrrr…

Darkened Figure: *slow clap* …Well done. I didn’t expect you to—

Berenice: “—make it all the way to my lair. Your efforts have been valiant, but it ends here; blah blah de blahbbity blah.” *coughs* Come on out and fight, Avi-W!

Darkened Figure: Avi-W? Bwahahahahahahaha!! A good guess, but… you couldn’t be more wrong.

The darkened figure emerges from her throne, and enters the light, revealing herself as…

“Santa”: You shall address me as SANTA CLAUS, you wretched little dinner plate! MWEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!

Berenice: Yeah, yeah… *a piece of her hair extends, wrapping around “Santa Claus” and lifting her into the air. The hair glows brightly, sending much pain to the ensnared villain*

“Santa”: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!

Berenice: *another piece of her hair wraps itself into a large spike, which gets ready to drive itself into Avi-W* Heh… Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good ni— *keels over, coughing*

“Santa”: *is dropped to the ground* Oof! Mwehehehehe… if I were to have a guess, you were poisoned by Opheekookoopie’s Slinky-thing? *grins devilishly*

Berenice: Gah… *her hair tendrils charge at Avi-W*

“Santa”: *leaps aside* Mystical hair powers? Puh-leaze. *whips out a PEZ dispenser crafted in her image*

PEZ-W: *shoots one candy after another towards Berenice at lightning speeds in machine gun fashion* RAT TAT TAT TAT TAT TAT TAT~

Berenice: *tears the lid off of a nearby toybox and uses it as a shield – the deadly candy-bullets bounce off harmlessly*

PEZ-W: ohnoes~ *shoots some more; they too bounce off the lid-shield*

“Santa”: Eeeeh, enough of this. *tosses the PEZ-gun away, and draws… another one*

PEZ-B: *fires more candy bullets*

Berenice: *shields them* Heh. I see what you’re trying to do… gonna have to try harder. *turns around to attack PEZ-W*

PEZ-W: *prepares to shoot Berenice from behind, but is quickly swatted away by some hair*

“Santa”: Aw, my distraction failed?

Gemini: Big fricken’ surprise.

“Santa”: …Why aren’t you wearing those antlers I made for you, Smiles? Kinda takes the purpose out of you being darkened this whole time. See, I bet nobody was expecting to see me as Santa! Genius, if I do say so myself.

Gemini: Guess what, genius? THE HAIR IS ABOUT TO KILL US!!

Berenice: *goes to strike “Santa” with a spike of hair…*

…But then, Berenice felt the lid shield she was holding shake. And just like that, it grew a mouth and turned on its weilder!

Toy Box Lid: RAAAAAAAAAWRGH!!! *bashes Berenice in the face and bites her nose*

“Santa”: Mwehehehehehe… like I said, I’m a genius! *aims her PEZ-B at the now open toybox, and fires candies into it*

Gemini: …that was dumb luck on your part. You couldn’t have—

“Santa”: Yes, I could. You must have been too busy complaining when I baked the last of the Pixar Dust into candies and loaded them into this baby. *twirls the PEZ-B around* Kekekekekekeke!

(Killer toys begin to climb out from the toybox)

Berenice: *fights off the toy box lid* More..? *goes to defend; but begins coughing on the poison – she is promptly trampled by a whole herd of My Little Ponies*

“Santa”: MWAHAHAHAHAHA!! GO, MY PRETTIES!

PEZ-W: Mwehehehehehehehe~ *joins the ponies in attacking Berenice* CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP~ *bites*

Berenice: AH!

“Santa”: Heh heh… I originally conceived these PEZ’s as nutcrackers, yunno! To think they’d evolve into candy-dispenser-machinegun-thing-a-ma-bobs… I amaze myself some times.

Gemini: Why don’t you just marry yourself?

“Santa”: You mean Avi-B? EW! *slaps Gemini* …But if only there was another Avi-W, on the other hand…

PEZ-W: *fires at Berenice*

“Santa”: …THERE IS!

Gemini: ………………………………

“Santa”: *pockets PEZ-B, and picks up PEZ-W* But yeah, it’s been fun, I’ve enjoyed the company, yadda yadda, time for our meddlesome hero to die. YIPPIE! *aims the PEZ at Berenice*

Berenice: *staggering up, forming her weapon back into the giant comb*

Gemini: A futile last stand… pitiful. It’s sort of a shame; I did want to learn a little more about this “Coma” character…

“Santa”: You’ll just have to settle with interrogating the dead body. *fires many rounds of candy straight into Berenice’s chest*

Berenice: *without a word, she falls flat on the ground*

“Santa”: There. Have fun!

Coma: No… no… NO!! CLEO, SPEAK TO ME!!

Gemini: She’s dead. Dead, dead, dead. DEAD!

Coma: Monsters… *begins to cry* Y-you fought dirty. The toy army, and the poison… if it weren’t for your dirty tricks, you’d be the ones that… *sniff* She… she can’t be dead. She just can’t be!

Gemini: She’s deady dead dead McDeadington. Now, if you don’t want to join her, tell me. Tell me exactly what you are, and how you were able to fuse with somebody who has no loneliness energy!

Coma: *sniff* If… you must kill me, do it… the rest of KAOS will get you for this. They… they will get you get you good, they w-will!

“Santa”: What in the name of Scooby Doo is KAOS? *feels the PEZ-B hopping out of her pocket* And where in the name of Scrappy are you going?!

PEZ-B: *hops on over to Berenice’s hand*

Berenice: *grasps the PEZ, and lifts her head – she fires one round of candy at Avi-W’s forehead before falling limp*

“Santa”: Ooh, ouch. So much pain. You like, hit me so hard, even my yet-to-be-born descendants are knocking at death’s door. That’s the PEZ that brings things to life, you moronic little glass of orange juice! Now if you would kindly please, continue exiting through the aforementioned door—

Avi-W’s Santa Hat: *twitch*

“Santa”: Huh…

Avi-W’s Santa Hat: *MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH*

“Santa”: EEK! Wh-what in the… *drops PEZ-W* AH! MY HAT IS EATING ME! OUCH OUCH ouch ouch ouch… WHAT ARE YOU TOYS DOING JUST STARING AT ME! GET UP AND HELP ME!

PEZ-B: Nyeh!~ Get if off yourself!~

“Santa”: You… YOU BETRAYED ME! How… dare… I MADE YOU! Ah…

PEZ-B: Oh, no, I’d never betray you. In fact, you could say I was acting on your direct orders.~

“Santa”: M-MY orders? …Wait… then that means— MMMMMPH! *is swallowed by her hat*

Berenice: Vic…tor…y… *passes out*







[Ten seconds of blank screen here!]







[Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.]







Later on, in some room somewhere…

Berenice: *waking up in bed* Yaaaaaaawn. *feels her hair* Cleo Junior’s safe, but… such a messy bed head! I was hoping every morning in Heaven; I’d wake up with a perfect, or at least tame, hairstyle…

Coma: Ah, Cleo! You’re awake! FINALLY! And you’re most certainly not in Heaven, silly!

Berenice: Purgatory, then? Oh well.

Coma: No, no, no! You’re alive! Mrs. Claus found us and healed your poison! Even still, you’ve been in, ahem, a coma for three days. But Red Shift was defeated, the effect of the Pixar Dust has worn off on all the toys, and I’ve been here at your side ever since!

Berenice: If I’ve been unconscious for that long, and you’ve been here… why didn’t you take the time to fix my hair?!

Coma: Oh, um, well… *scrambles for a brush*

Berenice: Do it. NOW! That’s an order, Officer!

In the time it took to do that, Mrs. Claus entered the room. They exchanged their thanks while sharing some milk and cookies.

Berenice: Mmm, breakfast in bed – and it’s cookies. You sure this isn’t heaven?

Mrs. Claus: Oh ho ho, no, no, dearie.

Berenice: But this has been itching away at me for a while… what became of Red Shift?

Mrs. Claus: Back to making toys. But don’t worry yourself dear, I’ve got them under control this time!

Coma: …How so?

Mrs. Claus: Avi-W and her cronies only think they’re still making armies of minions, when in fact all they’re making are mere, innocents toys and nothing more. How, you ask? I gave them all a healthy dose of this. *holds up a plastic bag filled with a mysterious, sparkling powder*

Berenice: !! *sits up in her bed* I… this… IT EXPLAINS SO MUCH! Reindeer with glowing noses, flying sleds, fat old men in chimneys… Mrs. Claus, you’ve been very naughty!

Mrs. Claus: Oh ho ho! I can assure you, dearie, that it is not what you think it is. It is actually a kind of dream dust made from unicorn horn mixed with ground bandersnatch hairs that makes those sprinkled with it see what they may desire most.

Berenice: In other words, it pretty much is what I think it is. Yeah, sorry, but as an officer of the law, I…

Mrs. Claus: *smiles* Tee hee. While I may not be Santa Claus, I am still pretty powerful, so… yeah. But I can assure you, my husband and I would never use it for any ill intent.

Berenice: Errr… *lays back down* fine… I’ll let it slide this time, but I have my eye on you, Mrs. Claus…

Avi-B: *enters* Oh, sorry! Pardon me. Yeah, Mrs. Claus, I’m, uh, gonna need more goods, please? I fear Silver’s snapping out of it…

Mrs. Claus: Here you go! *tosses Avi-B the dream dust*

Avi-B: Thanks! *leaves*

Berenice: … *sits back up* You’re trusting her with the stuff?!

Mrs. Claus: She’s a nice kid… hangs with the wrong crowd, maybe…

Berenice: So it would seem. Even if that body harbors well intentions, she’s still tied too closely to the other one. You never know when she’ll fall back under the influence of the evil twin…

Coma: But she actually helped us out back there…

Berenice: Still, I get the feeling… *gets out of bed, and begins putting her uniform back on* Mrs. Claus. In exchange for not blowing the whistle on your “magic dust” or whatever, I’m taking Red Shift back to HQ. They’re too dangerous to keep here in the factory.

Mrs. Claus: I… wish I could give them up, but… they’re Santa’s elves. The last time I shipped out his captive naughty children… hoooooo boy, he wasn’t happy! And as powerful as he is… you know you don’t want to make him mad.

Berenice: …so you’re saying Santa wouldn’t trust anybody else with keeping his captives detained? Not even the Satella Police Force?!

Mrs. Claus: I’m sorry, dear. Truly, I am…

Berenice: *sighs* …Thanks anyway. Come on, Coma. We’ll discuss this at HQ.

Coma: MA’AM!

Later, at Satella Police HQ…

Berenice: …And that’s my report, sir. Christmas has been saved, but Red Shift will surely be back by next year, I’d wager…

Gant: Oh ho ho, don’t worry about any of that, Berry – you did a fine job out there! *clap clap clap* We’ll handle the rest. Now go on, take a nice long break and enjoy the holidays.

Berenice: Thank you, sir. *salutes*

Gant: You’re dismissed. But don’t forget to go swimming some time!

(in the cafeteria)

TV: We will return to “Supah Kawaii-Desu-Ka Nawrootow-Inooyawsha Kuwossova!!!!11!1!^_^111” after these messages, here on WBG-TV!

Mrs. Claus: Ho ho ho! Hello, children! Mrs. Claus here, with the hottest new toy this holiday season… the first of many masterpieces in line from our newest batch if elves— *holds up a toy* MISTER OREO HEAD! It’s everything you love about Mr. Potato Head, only now in turkey form!

Berenice: *walks in, looks at the TV, and sighs*

Copper: *sitting at a table, eating lunch* Why hello there, Cleo. They say that, with the help of my men, you foiled Red Shift’s most diabolical plan yet. Good work. *eyes her suspiciously*

Berenice: Heh… thanks, Bob.

Copper: Very… intriguing… it’s too bad you couldn’t capture them, though. But it’s okay, what with me single-handedly offing Blue Shift like that. One half of them ALIENS fell to my genius, so it won’t be long before the rest follow suit!

Berenice: Haha, I’m sure they will. Take care, Bobby boy. *leaves*

Copper: Take care! (…she has an alien. She has to. I just know it…)

TV: Mr. Oreo Head is sold at your local Wal Ma— WE INTERUPT THIS PROGRAM TO BRING YOU A BREAKING NEWS BULLETIN! The scene is here, just outside WBG Studios, the evil invader Cancer Bubble and his Blue Shift syndicate are wreaking havoc—

Cancer Bubble: Hey, check it out, buku! I’m on TV, I’M ON TV!! *waves a gold-colored sweater around in one claw while snapping the other*

Copper: But, but… I…

Cancer Bubble: Feel the wrath of a thousand crabs! *strangles somebody with the sweater*

Copper: …*jaw drops*

Gant: *enters* Well, what do you know; Blue Shift’s still alive and well. I guess you won’t be getting that promotion after all, Coppo! *laughs*

Copper: *jaw still open, he slowly falls over*

It seems the work of a Satella Police Officer is never done! The sinister minds of Cosmos may stick around to terrorize the earth, but so long as the Satella Police Force remains, they will never succeed!

…Wait. This site is called “Cosmos” and not “Satella Police?” And I should be rooting for the former instead of the latter?

…B-but that… that doesn’t make sense. They’re VILLAINS. Villain PROTAGONISTS maybe, but still villains all the same. I mean, seriously, do you WANT them to destroy the world? But then again, the Satella are heroic antagonists, and rooting for the antagonist kinda defeats the purpose of a story… but… but… Cosmos… evil… and… and… AAAGH!! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS SET UP?! WHAT, I ASK YOU?! AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaah…


<Editor’s note: due to a mental breakdown on the Narrator’s part, we shall be taking a short break. Until then, good night everybody, and be sure to join us next season!>

- The End -